Wooo Hooo!!

I made it! I am 14 weeks tomorrow and I can't stop smiling about that! I constantly look down at my bump and I am amazed I got to this point. I am filled with joy and excitement.....along with some nerves still of course. So, tomorrow I celebrate the beginning of the second trimester. There is a part of me that thinks, "don't get too excited, you never know what could still happen." Then, I tell myself that this child only deserves for me to be ecstatic about his/her life.
I hate to be negative with all my positive talk, but I do have to tell you what is causing some uneasiness yet. Tomorrow I also start work again. So much about work reminds me about how my miscarriage played out last time. I'm nervous to tell everyone, I'm nervous to go to the bathroom that I started bleeding in, I'm nervous to be on my feet so much and the long days. So, please pray for me as I start a new year, and a new trimester.

Wooo Hooo for the second trimester:)!!!!!

Dear Glory Baby

Dear Glory Baby,

Today is the day I would have been able to hold you and feel your skin on my skin. I would have been able to see if you had your daddy's unique lip, or if you would have my eyes. Instead, I dream of how I think you might look and feel in my arms. You are truly a child of God. Selfishly I want you here. But as you know dear child, you couldn't be in a better place than where you are now. You are in your Heavenly Father's arms and because of that I am joyful. I can't wait to meet you and hold you and express all the love I have for you. You will never be forgotten, for you are my Glory Baby.

I love you, forever and always and no matter what,
Mama

13 Weeks

For the longest time I thought I miscarried at 12 wks and 5 days. Then I read my sister's blog and she had mentioned my miscarriage at 14 wks. At first I thought she was off on her weeks, but whatever. Then, I went back and realized she was right. I miscarried at 13 wks and 5 days. Some people may say it doesn't matter, but when you're pregnant again and you are waiting to get passed the point of where you miscarried the last time......it matters! So, today I am 13 weeks. Of course this week I will again be on pins and needles. This is a little strange too, this Wednesday was my due date with Faith and I am also at 13 weeks right now which is when I miscarried Faith. Tomorow isn't going to be an easy day for me. However, just like in the past God has carried me and comforted me.

A True Sense of Hope From God

After reading my blogs for awhile now, you probably know that I am a true worrier. I worry about what I'm going to wear, tripping down the stairs, toilet paper on my shoe and over-sleeping. I worry not just for myself but for other people. I tend to notice a potential accident before most people, because I worry. These are just the little things, on a daily basis. Of course this problem is worse when there is something big happening. This is something that I know about myself and something that I have been working on. To me worrying comes so quick, it isn't just something that I tell myself to stop doing. It is like a habit. "Hi, my name is Ellen and I am a worry-aholic:)" In all seriousness though, God has been teaching me to let go of that.
So, you can imagine how many times with in the past 12 weeks that I have worried. On Wednesday I had my 12 week ultra-sound. (Not everyone decides to do this testing, but in my case I looked at it as a way to spend some time with my child.) We set the apt. up for later in the day, that way Scott wouldn't have to take extra time off of work. So, with me not working right now, I had the entire day to worry. Instead though, God stepped in and gave me a true sense of hope. I started my day with my devotions. The day before I had finished reading the verses on hope, so with somewhat of a loss on where to begin I went back to Psalm 118. Before I started reading I poured my heart out to God. Although He knew where I was at anyway, I think it is important to be real and honest with God. That is what makes my relationship personal. After reading Psalm 118 I decided to go back through the Psalms, and so I began reading Psalm 117, 116, and through to .....I believe Psalm 112.

Psalm 112:1,2
Praise the Lord, Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who finds great delight in His commands. His children will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed.

Psalm 113:9
He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.

Psalm 115:14,15
May the Lord make you increase both you and your children. May you be blessed by the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Notice the pattern? So, I felt this true sense of hope from God to sustain me. To stop me from worrying and to remember my gracious and comforting Father.

My ultra-sound went wonderful! Everything looked good with nothing to worry about. I have to tell you I was wondering if this would just seem like a continuation from our last 12 week ultrasound of Faith. It didn't, Faith only uncrossed her legs maybe two times during the entire time.She seemed to be sitting pretty. This baby's legs were in the air doing kicks, and spreading apart and stretching out. What an amazing time we had with our child.

My knew pictures of Baby Van Groll.







For those of you who are worry-aholoics too, I've been reading the book Fearless by Max Lucado and this is a tool that I will be turning to when I worry.

8 Steps When You Worry:
P-Pray. Always pray first.
E-Easy now. "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
A-Act on it. When there is a concern, deal with it. Don't dwell on it.
C-Compile a worry list. Over a few days write down what you worry about.
E-Evaluate your worry categories. Pray specifically for the themes you tend to worry about.
F-Focus on today. God will meet your daily needs. From there, have patients.
U-Unleash a worry army. Confide in some loved ones. Have them pray with you and for you.
L-Let God be enough. "Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." (Matt. 6:32-33)
P-E-A-C-E-F-U-L

Again I highly recommend this book.

Fearless

Let me start by letting you know my apt. went well last week. It was my 10 week apt. The Dr. rolled her mini ultrasound machine into the room as I said a little prayer. She put the jelly on my belly, not knowing for sure if she would be able to see the baby with out doing an internal ultrasound yet. As she squinted at the screen I became a little nervous as I watched her. "There's your baby!" she finally said. I still didn't let my breathe out. "I can tell there's a good heartbeat." That's when my breathe was let out. "Thank you Jesus!" I said silently. Then the Dr. started pointing out the head and the arms, the feet and the butt. I told her she could always see things I couldn't. Jokingly she said, "Do you think I'm making these things up?" With that I laughed and at the exact same time my baby moved around in a jerking motion. As my baby become more clear to me on the screen, the Dr. said something else that I laughed at. At the exact same time the baby moved again! What a great time my baby and I had together for those 5 min. That night Scott was making me laugh, right after that I said to him, "Do you think the baby was laughing too?" What a great thought! If the baby is a girl, I'm now considering using Joy for a middle name.
Now, for what my heart has been going through this past week. After my apt. I was feeling relieved about everything, but to tell you the truth I was not on cloud nine like I should have been. Again fear started to kick in. I knew things were fine now, but last time things were fine at this point too.......except for finding out that I had a polyp. But, the baby was doing great. So, I think I wasn't allowing myself to get too excited out of fear. Later that afternoon, after making a few errands I checked my mailbox. Inside was a photocopy of the first paragraph of the book written by Max Lucado, Fearless. At first I was really confused, who knew to put this there? Has someone been watching me? Then, I remembered my sister, Jenny. She is notorious for dropping off words of wisdom in my mailbox........,Thanks Jenny:) So, I read it right away. It starts out with Matthew 8:26, "Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?" Then, this is one paragraph from the first chapter:
"Fear never wrote a symphony or a poem, negotiated a peace treaty, or cured a disease. Fear never pulled a family out of poverty or a country out of bigotry. Fear never saved a marriage or a business. Courage did that. Faith did that. People who refused to consult or cower to their timidities did that. But fear itself? Fear herds us into a prison and slams the doors.
Wouldn't it be great to walk out?"
This chapter really hit home. Yet, I still stuggle with this. Here is why, if for example you were repelling down a mountain for the first time and everyone said things will be fine just put your feet out in front of you and lean back. So, you did that without any fear. But then, the unexpected happened. When your feet landed on a part of the mountain, a rock gave way. Your body slammed up against the mountain. You knock your head and your body becomes scratched up. The following week you are suppose repel again. You came out of everything fine, with some scraps and bruises and an experience you don't want to relive. How do you get back to the top of the mountain and be completely fearless?
How do I not remember my past experience? I have faith in the eternal, I know I have a loving God that will never leave me. I know He is on my side. I can't wait to get to heaven to rejoice in His pesence! Yet, I still have this fear of what could happen in the next few weeks and even months.
So, this morning as I was sitting down to start my devotions and I asked myself, "Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?"
"I'm afraid of going through the physical pain."
In my head I heard, "I will carry you through."
"I'm afraid of being heart broken"
And I heard "I will heal you."
"I'm afraid of never having children."
"I am enough for you."

He is enough for me!

Psalm 118

Today I am 10 weeks, last night and this morning I found myself even more anxious, nervous, scared. I look back and think to myself, "I don't know if I can do it again." The pain, sleepless nights, being pregnant one minute with hopes and dreams and the next everything is gone. I remember clearly the physical and emotional pain. Then, this morning God brought me back to Philippians. This book was so crucial to me after I had my second miscarriage and God taught me so much through these four chapters. As I was reading, my mind was turned back to the eternal. I was retaught, when I feel anxious to pray. Instead of remembering all the pain and suffering I am remembering how God drew me into Him, how He held me in His arms, how my life changed. This verse really stuck out at me today....
Philippians 3:13-14
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I also wanted to share with you another chapter that has been a tool for me and the small story behind it. Dreaming and hoping, to me it doesn't matter if we have a boy or girl. We do have a boy name that is set, we have had it for a long time and both Scott and I love it. Now, when I search for names they are always girl names. So, a few weeks ago I was searching for names and I came across one that I really liked. So, I wrote it down on my list. The next day I was thinking about that name and decided I loved it, but I wanted to know what it meant. When I went back to look up the meaning, I was in love with the name. It means, God answered me! The verse that goes with it is Psalm 118:21. Ever since I keep going to Psalm 118, I feel encouraged and inspired by this verse. Whether we have a boy or girl, it doesn't matter. Either way this girl name directed me to one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. It is a little long, but I would like to share it with you.

Psalm 118
Theme: Confidence in God's eternal love. God's love is unchanging in the midst of changing situations. This gives us security.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

Let Israel say:
"His love endures forever."
Let the house of Aaron say:
"His love endures forever."
Let those who fear the Lord say:
"His love endures forever."

In my anguish I cried to the Lord,
and he answered by setting me free.
The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
The Lord is with me; he is my helper.
I will look in triumph on my enemies.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in man.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in princes.

All the nations surrounded me,
but in the name of the Lord I cut them off.
They surrounded me on every side,
but in the name of the Lord I cut them off.
They swarmed around me like bees,
but they died out as quickly as burning thorns;
in the name of the Lord I cut them off.

I was pushed back and about to fall,
but the Lord helped me.
The Lord is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.

Shouts of joy and victory
resound in the tents of the righteous:
"The Lord's right hand has done mighty things!
The Lord's right hand is lifted high;
the Lord's right hand has done mighty things!"

I will not die but live,
and will proclaim what the Lord has done.
The Lord has chastened me severly,
but he has not given me over to death.

Open for me the gates of righteousness;
I will enter and give thanks to the Lord.
This is the gate of the Lord
through which the righteous may enter.
I will give you thanks, for you answered me;
you have become my salvation.

The stone the builders rejected
has become the capstone;
the Lord has done this,
and it is marvelous in our eyes.
This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.

O Lord, save us;
O Lord, grant us success.
Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.
From the house of the Lord we bless you.
The Lord is God,
and he has made his light shine upon us.
With boughs in hand, join in the festal procession.
up to the horns of the altar.

You are my God, and I will give you thanks;
you are my God, and I will exalt you.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
his love endues forever.

New International Version



My next apt. is tomorrow morning, of course I can't wait!