I'm Not Finished With You Yet

As you know in my last post I was debating ending this site. Well, I feel like God has spoke to me. He said, "I'm not finished with you yet." I know from talking to others that there are so many people that are going through a difficult situation related to pregnancy, miscarriage or the loss of a child very early. I feel like God wants me to keep sharing my thoughts, devotions, excitements, and struggles.Knowing what others are feeling and what they are going through is something that will never leave me. Please feel free to e-mail me if you need someone to talk to about this, evangroll@yahoo.com.
I wanted to share with you a devotion I had the other day from Max Lucados's Grace for the Moment.

A Gentle Lamb

Where God's love is there is no fear, because God's perfect love drives out fear. 1 John 4:18

A lot of us live with a hidden fear that God is angry at us. Somewhere, sometime, some Sunday school class or some television show convinced us that God has a whip behind his back, a paddle in his back pocket, and he's going to nail us when we've gone too far.
No concept could be more wrong! Our Savior's Father is very fond of us and only wants to share his love with us.
We have a Father who is filled with compassion, a feeling Father who hurts when his children hurt. We serve a God who says that even when we're under pressure and like nothing is going to go right, he is waiting for us, to embrace us whether we succeed or fail.
He doesn't come quarreling and wrangling and forcing his way into anyone's heart. He comes into our hearts like a gentle lamb, not a roaring lion.

It's a Girl!

Almost two weeks ago Scott and I had our twenty week ultrasound. I worried myself sick that day, we weren't scheduled until 3:00. This was such an amazing time. I enjoyed Scott being able to bond a bit with his child. Of course I felt like I got to know our little girl better too, but I have been able to feel the baby inside of me and I had many apt. that I got to hear her heartbeat. More importantly than finding out the gender was that there weren't any complications or anything to be concerned about. I still can't believe this is all REALLY, truly happening. With everything we went through I started to doubt that this could happen for us. I'm not saying I was right in doing that, however I do think it is natural for anyone who has experienced miscarriage and struggling with conceiving. I can't tell you the amount of times that I thank God for where we are at now. I cherish every movement I feel, I feel so blessed already.
I have been considering an end to this blog. I originally started to blog because I wanted to reach out to others who were struggling with losing their children early. I felt like I could offer some guidance from a Christians point of view. I feel like this blog is starting to go into a different direction. Although my miscarriages will always be a part of my life, I don't feel like this site is offering what I would like it to anymore. I thought this would be a good point to stop. There is hope for all of you that have had miscarriages and are still wanting to try to conceive. There are some many more worries that come along with being pregnant again because of our passed. Let God continue to guide you and be your strength. Give your heart to the Lord constantly. I have learned so much about myself and have grown so much closer to God in the last year and a half. I'm not sure of ending this blog. One reason I wouldn't is because it has been a way for me to journal, I blog for myself mostly. So, I will let you know what I plan to do. This won't be my last blog on this site. I may even start a new site.
Please continue to pray for me and our little girl. Also, my sister-in-law is in the hospital again on bed rest. She will be 24 wks. next Sunday, but we are praying she makes it much farther. We will continue to trust God and his plan for us.

"Growing Pains"

I guess you could say a lot has happened since the last time that I posted. I think it was about a week and a half ago that I got in to see the Dr. Some things were happening that I wasn't sure if they were normal and I guess you could say I was feeling a lot of anxiety. While I was at the Dr. she reassured me that everything seems to be right on. Some things were unexplainable but because of where I am at she said it is probably just normal for me. I asked the Dr. if she thought I was being paranoid. She said maybe a little but understandabley so. At that time I had a break down. I started to cry. I was just feeling so anxious, and nervous. I didn't explain my feelings to her. She just handed me a kleenex, said she understands, and that they will do everything they can to alleviate the anxiety I have. On her way out she gave me a hug and told me to hang in there. To tell you the truth, I don't know exactly why I was crying. I think because I'm growing so close to this child. I guess I can't even really explain it now, but if you are or have been in this situation I'm sure you know exactly how I was feeling and do feel ocasionally. Of course as a christian and from passed experience I knew where to go with it all. Christ has since took away a lot of that anxiety. I started feeling the baby move, what a miraculous feeling. I purposely lay awake a little longer each night just to make sure I didn't miss any last kicks. There is only a few more days until I get another ultrasound. Yes, I'm excited to know the baby's gender, but I am more excited to see how much the baby has grown and to get that special time with daddy and baby. I'm a little nervous too, I have heard so many stories of people going in for their 20 wk. ultasound and finding complications. So, I will continue to surrender that to God.
After some good conversation with my mom yesterday and then sitting in church listening to a worship song the thought of "growing pains" entered my mind. I was reflecting on my passed year and realizing what "growing pains" I went through. If I wouldn't have had the pain I never would have grown. My relationship with God is so much stronger than it was a year ago, now I am to the point of realizing the growth was worth the pain. I have tools now that I never had before that have been equippng me in my everyday walk. Then, I thought of how fitting it is when someone is pregnant. As you carry your child, your body has to grow. In order to do so there will be pains. It may be a cramp here or a backache there. Maybe yours is more severe, maybe it entails bleeding because your body is at work. In any case the growth is worth the pain. Now, with each pain or discomfort I feel I am reminded of my "growning pains" with Christ. I am now realizing my attitude has changed from "I guess I will go into the valley if you force me to because I have no other choice." To (like the song says,) "I will walk through the valley if you want me to."

Baby tummy?

I have to tell you a story that happened to me last week at work. There is a student that I have gotten to know very well. He is a little boy with downs syndrome. I have known, (we will call him M,) M for three years now. Every morning M sees me, gets a big smile on his face and says, "Mrs. V.," and then gives me a hug. Well, the same thing happened last Friday. Except, this time with his head hitting right at my belly he looked up at me and said, "baby tummy?" Keep in mind that I haven't said anything to the kids at school yet. I guess you could say I am protecting myself for the "what-ifs." After M did this I smiled and nodded. Then he proceeded to try to lift up my shirt and see it. As I laughed and told him he could see it just fine through my shirt, I couldn't help but to feel as if I was overflowing with joy.
I had a Dr. apt last week. I had to see the nurse practitioner because my Dr. was out on an emergency c-section. I would have preferred to see my Dr, oh well. Everything was fine. I heard the heartbeat. In fact the NP commented on how active the baby was. She would get the heartbeat and then a second later she would lose it and it would be in a completely different place. I had to laugh at that. Now, I don't have an apt. until Oct. 14. That is actually our 20 wk. ultrasound. I'm excited for the next apt., but also not wanting to wait so long in between apts. I asked the NP if I could bump up the apt. a week or two. She said no. I thought about still calling and asking my Dr., but I decided that I need to wait. God has been teaching me so much about waiting and relying on Him in the mean time and I think that is what I am suppose to do.
Still sitting and waiting to feel my baby move. Everyone keeps asking me if I can feel the baby yet. I've been praying for that to happen sooner than later.
My brother and his wife are due in less than a month. I am so excited to hold that child of theirs that they have been dreaming of and praying and preparing for quite awhile now.

Life changes

So much has happened in the past few weeks. I guess the biggest thing is that I started work again. After being off for the summer this was a huge adjustment for me and I am still adjusting. I have been so extremely tired and wiped out but things seem to be getting better. Like now, my student left school early so I got the chance to come home. Instead of crashing on my couch I decided to update my blog. That in itself shows improvement. It feels good to get back to a routine and to my wonderful student too, (half days would be nice, but that isn't reality.)
Now, to the important stuff. Everything seems to be going good with the baby. I'm 16 wks and there hasn't been any spotting or major issues. I wish I could write how positive and worry free I am, but I can't. I have been hearing of so many pregnancies that haven't been working out. One being my sister in-law, two weeks ago. At 16 weeks her water broke. She was in the hospital for awhile and is now at home on bed rest. Of course my first reaction was, "it's happening again!" So far she is doing well and there has only been positive news. There isn't any more leaking and her fluids are at the low end of an o.k. level. Then, recently a friend of my family and his wife had to deliver their baby at about 23 weeks. At their 20 week ultrasound they found cysts around the baby and the baby was swollen. At that point the Dr. gave the baby two weeks. Of course I am deeply saddened for them. Why do these things keep hapenning? I still don't completely understand, but I never doubt the Father's love and His plan for us.
I am feeling more and more of a bond with this child. There are days when I look at my belly and just start to cry, the other day I read the baby a book, I feel myself letting go and dreaming sometimes I just sit and wait to see if I can feel the baby move. Then, I have a melt down, "what was that cramp?, I feel so connected to this child what if I have to let them go?, I don't want to loose this one. I'm so scared." Then, I pray and I pray and I pray.
One thing that I was so blessed with before, was all the time I had for my devotions and staying focused on Christ. Now with work, coaching volleyball and being so tired at the end of the day I haven't had the time I need to be with Christ. One day I just cried on my way to work and said out loud, "Jesus I need you so bad." I have been trying to get my Bible out at the end of the day, but my eyes are normally too sore to read and my brain is too fried to understand. I'm not a morning person either. I've tried to set my alarm clock early and get up for my devotions but I can't even explain to you how difficult that is for me. I know I need to make it work somewhere, sometime and I know I NEED it.

I would appeciate some prayer for my sister in-law, for our friends and for me to be able to find the time I need with God. Please continue praying for this baby that I have been miraculously been able to concieve and carry:) I say miraculously not because of my past but because every child is a miracle.....even the ones that get to go to heaven right away.

Wooo Hooo!!

I made it! I am 14 weeks tomorrow and I can't stop smiling about that! I constantly look down at my bump and I am amazed I got to this point. I am filled with joy and excitement.....along with some nerves still of course. So, tomorrow I celebrate the beginning of the second trimester. There is a part of me that thinks, "don't get too excited, you never know what could still happen." Then, I tell myself that this child only deserves for me to be ecstatic about his/her life.
I hate to be negative with all my positive talk, but I do have to tell you what is causing some uneasiness yet. Tomorrow I also start work again. So much about work reminds me about how my miscarriage played out last time. I'm nervous to tell everyone, I'm nervous to go to the bathroom that I started bleeding in, I'm nervous to be on my feet so much and the long days. So, please pray for me as I start a new year, and a new trimester.

Wooo Hooo for the second trimester:)!!!!!

Dear Glory Baby

Dear Glory Baby,

Today is the day I would have been able to hold you and feel your skin on my skin. I would have been able to see if you had your daddy's unique lip, or if you would have my eyes. Instead, I dream of how I think you might look and feel in my arms. You are truly a child of God. Selfishly I want you here. But as you know dear child, you couldn't be in a better place than where you are now. You are in your Heavenly Father's arms and because of that I am joyful. I can't wait to meet you and hold you and express all the love I have for you. You will never be forgotten, for you are my Glory Baby.

I love you, forever and always and no matter what,
Mama

13 Weeks

For the longest time I thought I miscarried at 12 wks and 5 days. Then I read my sister's blog and she had mentioned my miscarriage at 14 wks. At first I thought she was off on her weeks, but whatever. Then, I went back and realized she was right. I miscarried at 13 wks and 5 days. Some people may say it doesn't matter, but when you're pregnant again and you are waiting to get passed the point of where you miscarried the last time......it matters! So, today I am 13 weeks. Of course this week I will again be on pins and needles. This is a little strange too, this Wednesday was my due date with Faith and I am also at 13 weeks right now which is when I miscarried Faith. Tomorow isn't going to be an easy day for me. However, just like in the past God has carried me and comforted me.

A True Sense of Hope From God

After reading my blogs for awhile now, you probably know that I am a true worrier. I worry about what I'm going to wear, tripping down the stairs, toilet paper on my shoe and over-sleeping. I worry not just for myself but for other people. I tend to notice a potential accident before most people, because I worry. These are just the little things, on a daily basis. Of course this problem is worse when there is something big happening. This is something that I know about myself and something that I have been working on. To me worrying comes so quick, it isn't just something that I tell myself to stop doing. It is like a habit. "Hi, my name is Ellen and I am a worry-aholic:)" In all seriousness though, God has been teaching me to let go of that.
So, you can imagine how many times with in the past 12 weeks that I have worried. On Wednesday I had my 12 week ultra-sound. (Not everyone decides to do this testing, but in my case I looked at it as a way to spend some time with my child.) We set the apt. up for later in the day, that way Scott wouldn't have to take extra time off of work. So, with me not working right now, I had the entire day to worry. Instead though, God stepped in and gave me a true sense of hope. I started my day with my devotions. The day before I had finished reading the verses on hope, so with somewhat of a loss on where to begin I went back to Psalm 118. Before I started reading I poured my heart out to God. Although He knew where I was at anyway, I think it is important to be real and honest with God. That is what makes my relationship personal. After reading Psalm 118 I decided to go back through the Psalms, and so I began reading Psalm 117, 116, and through to .....I believe Psalm 112.

Psalm 112:1,2
Praise the Lord, Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who finds great delight in His commands. His children will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed.

Psalm 113:9
He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.

Psalm 115:14,15
May the Lord make you increase both you and your children. May you be blessed by the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Notice the pattern? So, I felt this true sense of hope from God to sustain me. To stop me from worrying and to remember my gracious and comforting Father.

My ultra-sound went wonderful! Everything looked good with nothing to worry about. I have to tell you I was wondering if this would just seem like a continuation from our last 12 week ultrasound of Faith. It didn't, Faith only uncrossed her legs maybe two times during the entire time.She seemed to be sitting pretty. This baby's legs were in the air doing kicks, and spreading apart and stretching out. What an amazing time we had with our child.

My knew pictures of Baby Van Groll.







For those of you who are worry-aholoics too, I've been reading the book Fearless by Max Lucado and this is a tool that I will be turning to when I worry.

8 Steps When You Worry:
P-Pray. Always pray first.
E-Easy now. "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
A-Act on it. When there is a concern, deal with it. Don't dwell on it.
C-Compile a worry list. Over a few days write down what you worry about.
E-Evaluate your worry categories. Pray specifically for the themes you tend to worry about.
F-Focus on today. God will meet your daily needs. From there, have patients.
U-Unleash a worry army. Confide in some loved ones. Have them pray with you and for you.
L-Let God be enough. "Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." (Matt. 6:32-33)
P-E-A-C-E-F-U-L

Again I highly recommend this book.

Fearless

Let me start by letting you know my apt. went well last week. It was my 10 week apt. The Dr. rolled her mini ultrasound machine into the room as I said a little prayer. She put the jelly on my belly, not knowing for sure if she would be able to see the baby with out doing an internal ultrasound yet. As she squinted at the screen I became a little nervous as I watched her. "There's your baby!" she finally said. I still didn't let my breathe out. "I can tell there's a good heartbeat." That's when my breathe was let out. "Thank you Jesus!" I said silently. Then the Dr. started pointing out the head and the arms, the feet and the butt. I told her she could always see things I couldn't. Jokingly she said, "Do you think I'm making these things up?" With that I laughed and at the exact same time my baby moved around in a jerking motion. As my baby become more clear to me on the screen, the Dr. said something else that I laughed at. At the exact same time the baby moved again! What a great time my baby and I had together for those 5 min. That night Scott was making me laugh, right after that I said to him, "Do you think the baby was laughing too?" What a great thought! If the baby is a girl, I'm now considering using Joy for a middle name.
Now, for what my heart has been going through this past week. After my apt. I was feeling relieved about everything, but to tell you the truth I was not on cloud nine like I should have been. Again fear started to kick in. I knew things were fine now, but last time things were fine at this point too.......except for finding out that I had a polyp. But, the baby was doing great. So, I think I wasn't allowing myself to get too excited out of fear. Later that afternoon, after making a few errands I checked my mailbox. Inside was a photocopy of the first paragraph of the book written by Max Lucado, Fearless. At first I was really confused, who knew to put this there? Has someone been watching me? Then, I remembered my sister, Jenny. She is notorious for dropping off words of wisdom in my mailbox........,Thanks Jenny:) So, I read it right away. It starts out with Matthew 8:26, "Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?" Then, this is one paragraph from the first chapter:
"Fear never wrote a symphony or a poem, negotiated a peace treaty, or cured a disease. Fear never pulled a family out of poverty or a country out of bigotry. Fear never saved a marriage or a business. Courage did that. Faith did that. People who refused to consult or cower to their timidities did that. But fear itself? Fear herds us into a prison and slams the doors.
Wouldn't it be great to walk out?"
This chapter really hit home. Yet, I still stuggle with this. Here is why, if for example you were repelling down a mountain for the first time and everyone said things will be fine just put your feet out in front of you and lean back. So, you did that without any fear. But then, the unexpected happened. When your feet landed on a part of the mountain, a rock gave way. Your body slammed up against the mountain. You knock your head and your body becomes scratched up. The following week you are suppose repel again. You came out of everything fine, with some scraps and bruises and an experience you don't want to relive. How do you get back to the top of the mountain and be completely fearless?
How do I not remember my past experience? I have faith in the eternal, I know I have a loving God that will never leave me. I know He is on my side. I can't wait to get to heaven to rejoice in His pesence! Yet, I still have this fear of what could happen in the next few weeks and even months.
So, this morning as I was sitting down to start my devotions and I asked myself, "Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?"
"I'm afraid of going through the physical pain."
In my head I heard, "I will carry you through."
"I'm afraid of being heart broken"
And I heard "I will heal you."
"I'm afraid of never having children."
"I am enough for you."

He is enough for me!

Psalm 118

Today I am 10 weeks, last night and this morning I found myself even more anxious, nervous, scared. I look back and think to myself, "I don't know if I can do it again." The pain, sleepless nights, being pregnant one minute with hopes and dreams and the next everything is gone. I remember clearly the physical and emotional pain. Then, this morning God brought me back to Philippians. This book was so crucial to me after I had my second miscarriage and God taught me so much through these four chapters. As I was reading, my mind was turned back to the eternal. I was retaught, when I feel anxious to pray. Instead of remembering all the pain and suffering I am remembering how God drew me into Him, how He held me in His arms, how my life changed. This verse really stuck out at me today....
Philippians 3:13-14
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I also wanted to share with you another chapter that has been a tool for me and the small story behind it. Dreaming and hoping, to me it doesn't matter if we have a boy or girl. We do have a boy name that is set, we have had it for a long time and both Scott and I love it. Now, when I search for names they are always girl names. So, a few weeks ago I was searching for names and I came across one that I really liked. So, I wrote it down on my list. The next day I was thinking about that name and decided I loved it, but I wanted to know what it meant. When I went back to look up the meaning, I was in love with the name. It means, God answered me! The verse that goes with it is Psalm 118:21. Ever since I keep going to Psalm 118, I feel encouraged and inspired by this verse. Whether we have a boy or girl, it doesn't matter. Either way this girl name directed me to one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. It is a little long, but I would like to share it with you.

Psalm 118
Theme: Confidence in God's eternal love. God's love is unchanging in the midst of changing situations. This gives us security.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

Let Israel say:
"His love endures forever."
Let the house of Aaron say:
"His love endures forever."
Let those who fear the Lord say:
"His love endures forever."

In my anguish I cried to the Lord,
and he answered by setting me free.
The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
The Lord is with me; he is my helper.
I will look in triumph on my enemies.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in man.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in princes.

All the nations surrounded me,
but in the name of the Lord I cut them off.
They surrounded me on every side,
but in the name of the Lord I cut them off.
They swarmed around me like bees,
but they died out as quickly as burning thorns;
in the name of the Lord I cut them off.

I was pushed back and about to fall,
but the Lord helped me.
The Lord is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.

Shouts of joy and victory
resound in the tents of the righteous:
"The Lord's right hand has done mighty things!
The Lord's right hand is lifted high;
the Lord's right hand has done mighty things!"

I will not die but live,
and will proclaim what the Lord has done.
The Lord has chastened me severly,
but he has not given me over to death.

Open for me the gates of righteousness;
I will enter and give thanks to the Lord.
This is the gate of the Lord
through which the righteous may enter.
I will give you thanks, for you answered me;
you have become my salvation.

The stone the builders rejected
has become the capstone;
the Lord has done this,
and it is marvelous in our eyes.
This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.

O Lord, save us;
O Lord, grant us success.
Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.
From the house of the Lord we bless you.
The Lord is God,
and he has made his light shine upon us.
With boughs in hand, join in the festal procession.
up to the horns of the altar.

You are my God, and I will give you thanks;
you are my God, and I will exalt you.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
his love endues forever.

New International Version



My next apt. is tomorrow morning, of course I can't wait!

Oops

So, my "r" button has been sticking. The title of the last post should be My Heart Goes Out to You.
I can't figure out how to go back and fix it.

My heat goes out to you

Well my apt. last week went good! The doctor brought her little portable ultrasound machine into the room. Although it isn't as high tech as when you go in for an ultrasound, the doctor was able to see the baby move, the baby was measuring at 8 weeks 2 days which was right on. So, that puts my due date at March 3, 2010. We set up a plan to meet every two weeks until beyond the end of the first trimester.....that will put us into September. So, I have an apt. with the doctor next week and then in two weeks I will have a 12 week ultrasound. Believe it or not I am showing a little bit already. I'm not recognizably pregnant, but I do have a little bump. I love it! I wish I could tell you that I am not worrying as much. Every night I smile thinking I made it through another day, yet at the same time I become a little more nervous that I am getting closer to the point of where I was at with Faith. Still I am trying to cherish everyday with this child. I had been searching for a rainbow last week, finally on Sunday I saw one so bight and clear. Seeing a rainbow is a sign to me of hope and a promise that God will never leave us. When I was a child every time there was a chance of a rainbow we would all run out to the sun porch and look. When we saw one we were all so joyful. Most of the time we would run outside and just watch the rainbow get brighter. Then someone would usually say, "you know that's God's promise that He will never flood the earth again." I am dreaming and praying for this child that I long to hold in my arms in 7 months. I can't wait to search for a rainbow with this little one.

I have to tell you the main reason I felt inspired to post again was because I found out about a friend's miscarriage tonight. When they told us they were pregnant we knew we were only two weeks behind them, but we were too early to say anything yet. The second I heard their sad news tears started streaming down my face. I know the pain they are feeling. I grieve with them. I didn't think about not calling to make sure she was doing o.k. With a text back she replied confused and not knowing how to feel. I remember that so clear. I hope she talks to someone who has been through it or just someone that is extremely empathetic to her situation. I know how much it helped me just to tell my story again. I would love her to call me to talk about it, but if she doesn't, I will pray. If you are in the same spot, let me encourage you to talk to someone. It is okay to be confused and angry and sad and unsure of everything. Let me encourage you to give your struggle to God even if you can't feel Him right now. Let others stand in the gap for you. Talk about your situation and know that there is nothing you did wrong. There is no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed, there isn't anything you could have done differently. Put your hope in the eternal, know that you will be able to hold your child again if you have a personal relationship with Jesus. In the mean time your child will never feel any hurt or pain, heart ache or let downs. They are waiting for us to join them in heaven.

So Far So Good

Well, first of all I need to apologize for not writing sooner. After my appointment I had every intention of getting on the computer and updating my blog before I left for vacation. Things got hectic and I never got to it.
Our 6 and half, (that half really means a lot when you're in this position,) week ultrasound went great! I will post the pictures I got, but I don't have enough time right now. It seems simple things take me a long time on computers. Anyway, back to the important stuff, we heard the heart beat and saw the baby. The baby was measuring at the right growth. The night before I had prayed that we get a personal and sensitive ultrasound tech., my prayer was answered times ten. The lady we had told us every detail of what she was doing and looking at and for. When we entered the room she said she knew we had a rocky past so she would make sure to really take her time and pay special attention to everything. She had a couple of really cool things to say during our time there. One thing she said is how cool she thought it was that right now this baby is pretty much all heart. She also said she thought the picture resembled a diamond ring, with the baby being the diamond and the yolk sac being the band. Then she went on to say that in life rings resemble promises. You get a promise ring, an engagement ring, a wedding ring and these are all promises. Then she said she looks at this picture and thinks of it as a promise. Wow! I absolutely love that! When I have time to post my picture, you will really see the resemblance. This picture is God's promise to us. Not necessarily that I will be able to carry this baby full term, but that God has the control.

The last two weeks have still been a roller coaster, but I have been trying to give it to God everyday. I still get nervous with every little cramp or not cramp or not feeling sick, so I still have to work on fully giving this to God.

I have my first OB apt. in about 15 min. I will be able to talk to my doctor and hopefully get another sign that everything is going o.k. I'm hoping she will tell me her plan for the next few months. I will post sooner this time and let you know how things are going

Please continue to pray. I realize how strong the power of prayer is and I can't stress it enough.

Dear Father,

Please continue to take care of my child that is growing and forming in my womb right now. Wrap your loving arms around this child of yours. Lord, I pray that I am able to carry this baby full term and that this child is healthy. Lord, I trust you, your timing and your will.

Love,
Ellen

Happy father's Day!

Well, it has been a bit since I posted last. To tell you the truth I didn't write because I was unsure of whether or not I wanted to make myself completely vulnerable. After thinking and praying I decided I would like to keep this blog real to what is happening in my life.

After two rounds of Chlomid and three months all together of trying to get pregnant it happened:) Yes, Scott and I are expecting again! I got to tell Scott we were expecting on Father's day, which was really two days before a missed period. Scott was gone to run an errand and during that time I took a test. While I was waiting for the result I just sat and prayed. I prayed that I would understand that it would happen in God's timing. To my amazement there were two lines. My first reaction was to say, "Thank you Jesus. Oh, thank you!" My second reaction was to go into the baby room, (that had been started for the last two,) and look at the picture box I made and remember and grieve the loss of my first two. This wasn't a conscience thing, it just happened, that made me feel good. That I wouldn't ever forget my children in heaven. The pictures are of the shadow box I made and then of my two previous pregnancies.

Of course Scott's reaction was not like it was for the first pregnancy. He was surprised but didn't really say much at first. Then He started asking questions about the due date.

The reality of the situation is that I am sooo very excited, but at the same time I am so very scared. The week after I found out I forced myself to look through the baby name book and I got some pregnancy magazines. From then on it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. Every time I go to the bathroom I feel a bit nervous. Everytime I feel any kind of cramp or preasure I worry. Although I don't know if I will carry this baby full term, I do know that right now I have a life inside of me that I need to me excited about. If this is all the time I have with this child, then I want to make the most of it.

Tomorrow we go in for our first ultrasound. I will be 6 1/2 weeks. I'm excited and nervous. The good thing is that there hasn't been any bleeding and I am started to feel nauseaus at times. Please pray for us and this child. I ache to feel this child move inside of me, I ache to hold this child in my arms and call this child by name.

I need my time with the Lord everyday I realize when I don't get that those are my more difficult days. When I do get that time I am filled. I have been reading a lot about faith again. Right now I am reading Hebrews. I have also been thinking a lot about confidence in our faith and in Christ. I am realizing how important that is.

Philliians :6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Please, please pray for us!

The Road of Life

My mom gave me this after I had my first miscarriage. I was thinking about my first child, today was the due date that I was given. I wanted to pass this along in hopes that it will be something you can look at and smile and cry and nod to like I did. There are times when I go back to it, since this ride seems so long. I do know however that it will seem short compared to eternity, and that is where we should put our hope.

The Road of Life

At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there sort of like a president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I didn't really know Him.

But later on when I met Christ, it seems as though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal.

I don't know just when it was that He suggested we change places, but life has not been the same since.

When I had control, I knew the way, it was rather boring, but predictable.....it was the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds, it was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness, He said, "Pedal!"

I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are you taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer and I started to learn to trust.

I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. And when I'd say, "I'm scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me gifts to take on my journey, my Lord's and mine, And we were off again, He said, "Give the gifts away; they're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He'd wreck it; but He knows bike secrets, knows ow to make it bend to take sharp corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks, know how to fly to shorten scary passages.

And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.

And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore, He just smiles and says......."Pedal."

Author unknown

With this little story my mom gave me a little figure of a bike. I set it up on an end table as a memory. One night my sister and brother in-law came over with their kids. One of their kids picked it up and broke it. I was very sad but tried not to make it a big deal at the time, not wanting the parents to feel terrible. When they left Scott said, "You are really upset about that aren't you?" I told him I was. To my surprise, about a week later the tiny pieces of the figure were all hot glued back together. After Scott fixed it he set it up high where it couldn't be touched.

Grace for the Moment

I realize now, more than ever how important it is to spend time with the Lord everyday. It is so easy to get side tracked in my thinking, in my purpose, in my worries. I need the direction to look toward Christ and to trust Him. When you are in a difficult situation in life, there are so many people that have, what they think, great advise. Some of it is good and some of it is so off the wall, at times I can't believe my ears. I do have to admit there are times when I think I don't have time in my day for a devotion, but I know I need to make it. At times when I feel like I don't have time, (which is really no excuse for me, since I work for the school district and have my entire summer off.) I always read from my Grace for the Moment devotional. It is a devotional written by Max Lucado. This was my devotion from the other day and I wanted to share it with you. I hope this is just a snip-it of your time with the Lord today:)

The Cure for Disappointment

I am the Lord, the God of every person on earth. Nothing is impossible for me.
Jeremiah 32:27

We need to hear that God is still in control. We need to hear that it's not over until he says so. We need to hear that life's mishaps and tragedies are not a reason to bail out. They are simply a reason to sit tight.
Corrie ten Boom used to say, "When the train goes through a tunnel and the world gets dark, do you jump out? Of course not. You sit still and trust the engineer to get you through."...
The way to deal with discouragement? The cure for disappointment? Go back and read the story of God. Read it again and again. Be reminded that you aren't the first person to weep. And you aren't the first person to be helped.
Read the story and remember, {the} story is yours!

He Still Moves Stones

I hope this devotion encourages you how it has encouraged me:)

I'm still trying to figure out how to get a playlist on this blog. I guess you could say I am not a very computer savy person, but I'm trying. Anyway, my favorite cd right now is While I'm Waiting by John Waller. While I'm waiting is one very good song, but the entire cd is awesome and relates so much to my life right now to my life right now.

Learning through Job

About two weeks ago I started reading the book of Job. I couldn't believe how relevant it was to my life right now. I was excited to read and learn more. If you are going through struggle right now, I highly recommend reading the book of Job. Job had a perfect life. First of all he was a christian and was obedient. He was also blessed with a big herd and a large family. Job never had any major struggles until the devil wanted to challenge God. The devil thought that Job was only strong in his faith because he never had any struggles. So, Job's children die and Job gets a terrible skin disease. After friends try to counsel him with wrong counsel and Job calling out to God, God speaks to Job. Eventually Job becomes healthy, has more children and gets a herd back double the size of what he had before. This is just a quick summary of the book of Job. After reading for a couple days, I started reading something else and set Job aside for a bit.
Today was an unexpectedly difficult day for me. It was my last day of work before the summer. Normally this day is so exciting and it was, until the very end of the day. I realized that if I would still be pregnant from the first time I would be due in a couple weeks. If I would still be pregnant the second time I would be thinking just the summer is left. I realized what this day would have been if I would have been pregnant. I also started thinking about the school year and everything that happened from September until now. So, I ended up crying at work, (which I hate to do.) Luckily I was with some of my friends that understood. I didn't go to the end of the year staff party instead I came home to finish the book of Job. That is exactly what I needed. I was at the part in Job were God speaks. I felt as if he was speaking to me. Here is one thing I learned while reading.

How Suffering Affects Us

Suffering is helpful when:

We turn to God for understanding, endurance, and deliverance

We ask important questions we might not take time to think about in our normal routine

We are prepared by it to identify with and comfort others who suffer

We are open to being helped by others who are obeying God

We are ready to learn from a trustworthy God

We realize we can identify with what Christ suffered on the cross for us

We are sensitized to the amount of suffering in the world

It felt really good to know that I have been doing these things. I know that this suffering has forced my relationship with Christ to grow so much deeper than it had been.

Suffering is harmful when:

We become hardened and reject God

We refuse to ask any questions and miss any lessons that might be good for us

We allow it to make us self-centered and selfish

We withdraw from the help others can give

We reject the fact that God can bring good out of calamity

We accuse God of being unjust perhaps lead other to reject Him

We refuse to be open to any changes in our lives

*That was all in my Bible. I have a New International Version, Life Application Study Bible and I love it.

Lord,
Thank you for speaking to me through Job. I pray that I will just allow you to work and praise you while I am patiently waiting for what you have for me. You are the one that made the stars in the sky and the one that makes it rain. You are the creator of many wonders. I pray to you not because I know you will do what I want but because I know you can. I also know that your plan is way greater than I could even imagine.
I love you,
Ellen

You one know, another thing I am facing right now is trying to get pregnant again. For some people they are able to say we are going to try again and they know they will get pregnant right away. That is not the case for Scott and I, we tried for over a year before we got pregnant the first time, (during that time I thought that was going to be our biggest struggle.) I need to give this worry to God. Please pray that Scott and I are able to be patient and not get frustrated during this time.

Mother's Day

Well, I knew I would be filled with emotion on Mother's Day. I Knew this day would bring up so much hurt and disappointment and that it did, but it also brought more that I wasn't expecting. First of all may I say to all the women that are having a difficult time getting pregnant, I know what you are going through. I knew I was suppose to wish every mother a happy Mother's Day, but it was hard to say. Instead you start noticing how many women have children. You don't understand why you can't be apart of that majority. You see a glow in them that you so badly want. Let me also say to the women who have had a miscarriage or your child is in heaven, we are still mothers. We need to be proud of the life that we had inside of us and know that we are also mothers. So, anyway, I felt the pain of not having my children this Mother's Day.
Scott and I woke up and had a lazy morning before getting ready for church. Scott got me a Mother's Day card. I was so surprised and touched by his thoughtfulness and love. I think it was one of the best things he has ever done for me. Inside he told me how even though we were only with our children for a short time, I was a great mother. He also express his hope for next Mother's Day. Of course we sat and cried together for a little bit. I did have a small break down in church when they asked the mothers to stand. I didn't stand, but Scott leaned over and said, "you should be standing babe." After church we went to my parent's house along with my entire family. A few minutes after being there the girls congregated in the kitchen. My sister Becca gave me a gift bag and said something like, "as a mother your main goal is to see your children live their lives in eternity and yours are there." All the girls in the family chipped in and got me a necklace with two tiny rings with my children's birthstones. As a bawled my mom gave me a hug and told me she loved me. Becca told me to just let it all out, and made me feel comfortable with my tears. Jenny put my necklace on for me, and as I looked up I saw Sarah give me a smile through her tears. I also saw Bethany crying and I heard Erin off to my left sniffing. I was so extremely touched. I will cherish this forever. The love of the women in my family that day was overwhelmed with their thoughtfulness. What felt really special to me is that they were thinking of not just me but also remebering my children that day too. I never want anyone to forget the children I have in heaven. I feel so blessed to be in a family that grieves with me, listens to me, knows me, and at times stands in the gap for me. So, although Mother's Day was emotional it wasn't as much of a dissapointment as I thought it would be. Scott and my family showed me so much love and support.

Lord,
Thank you for blessing me with a wonderful, sensitive husband. A man who is strong and confident yet so sensitive and gentle. Thank you Lord for the family that has so many times showed me what love is. Thank you Lord for loving me and and wrapping your arms around me. For giving me strength to face the days I feel may be unbearable.
I love you.

Ellen

Ups and Downs

Months later and two cycles later I'm still feeling the emotional pain of loosing my children. I don't think it will ever totally go away. I have been having so many ups and downs lately. Although my miscarriages aren't always on my mind like they had been, there are certain times for me that are extremely difficult. For example April 10th we were suppose to find out if we were having a boy or girl, the following day my family all got together for Easter. When I was pregnant I was so excited for that day. I pictured thinking of names with my family and everyone else being so excited to find out what our first child would be. Then, my cycle seemed to be slow this month. I was an entire week off. During that time I took three pregnancy tests that all came back negative. I finally got my period on Sunday. By that time it was a relief because I already knew I wasn't pregnant. Waiting that week was hard. It was hard not to go back to all the feelings I felt with each disappointing period in the year we tried to get pregnant. I also know Mother's Day will be very hard. This is the third year in a row that I REALLY wanted to be able to say I am a mom. I guess I can say that I am a mom, but my children are in heaven. So, those are all my downs.
My ups, of course, have been so much more exciting. I have been studying Phillipians and it is a loaded book in the Bible. What I've been learning from that is the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is all the things here on earth that give us happiness, but joy is an inner confident, calm from Christ alone. I can't say I have been the happiest person lately. I can say that I have found so much joy in knowing God and getting to know Him even more. That inner confident, calm, joy has been present and that makes me feel close to God. That is what keeps me smiling and looking forward to each day with a perspective of eternity.
Scott and I also started Chlomid again. It has been making me really moody, but I know it is all worth it. I prayed this morning that I would be able to keep my emotions under control.....with the exception of a small argument with Scott things went okay. I need to remind myself not to put my trust and hope into this medicine, but to keep it on the Lord. Even if we are able to get pregnant right soon, it is God's timing not the power of the drug.....I hope that makes sense. I guess my point is my hope is in Christ alone.

Healing in an Unexpeced Way

I told you that my sister was in the hospital on bed rest. She almost made it to 30 weeks. She gave birth and baby Brielle lived here on earth for 7 hours. Then, she went home. This was something the family wasn't expecting. We all new it was a possibility but everyone was thinking everything would be o.k. Although everything was o.k., it was o.k. in a different way.

Journal entry 3/12/09
It has been a week since I wrote last. Not because I didn't want to but because I haven't had a whole lot of time. A lot has happened since last week. Becca and Luke's Brielle went to heaven on Friday. She lived for seven hours. I went to the hospital and I was able to hold her 5 min. after she passed away. I felt a sense of peace, calm ad content as I was holding her. For me it wasn't like holding one baby, it was like holding two. When I looked at Gabriella's fingers and hands, I thought of baby Faith's ultrasound when she looked as if she was waving to Scott and me.(I have been calling her Faith. This is the girl's name we picked and at are 12 week ultrasound the tech. told us her best guess at that point was a girl. I also just feel like she is a girl.) I remember the two of us being so amazed at her developed hand. I'm sad it will be a long time before I can put my baby Faith's hand in mine. Holding Brielle allowed me to let so many things go. My Faith and Brielle along with their brothers or sisters are united in heaven. I am on my path to healing. God is making himself evident and it feels so good to feel Him again!
My heart goes out and grieves for Becca and Luke. They have been so strong, yet so weak. They continue to trust God. They have been such a light and inspiration to me. I pray that I am able to be there for them whenever possible. I especially pray for time with Becca. Time to talk and cry and just to listen to her heart.
When I told Scott that we miscarried he was so angry, we both were. When he heard of Brielle I believe he closed God out. He had a hard time with his grief. So, I prayed, my family prayed and his family prayed for him. On Friday night, the same day that Brielle went home, the boys in the family all still went on a planned ski trip. What a blessing. Scott went with a group of christian men for the weekend. Instead of being able to turn to drinking and partying to cover his hurt he was with my brothers. Whether they talk about it or not, it didn't matter. While Scott was gone I had so much time to talk with mom, dad, and Bethany. That's all we did was talk and cry, but I needed that.....I think we all needed that.
Inbetween the weekend and Monday a lot happened. Scott got a clear message from God to follow Him and be obedient. Scott had been lead to Deuteronomy 30:11-20. This passage talks all about life or death. If you choose God you choose life. If you choose death you choose other gods and are not obedient. So, in essence God was telling Scott his time had come to follow the Lord whole heartedly. Not to go back to his old ways. Scott's heart had been changed! In the passage, it also talks about the promise of children, and so much more that is relevant to Scott's life and the situation. God is here! He is near! What a relief, we feel Him, we can hear Him. He has never let us go. Although I don't completely understand loosing two of my own babies and Becca's baby in 5 months, I will trust in the heavenly father and know "spring will come."
My devotion for today:Deuteronomy 32:1-4
Listen, O heavens, and I will speak; hear, O earth, the words of my mouth. Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants.
I will proclaim the name of the Lord. Oh, praise the greatness of our God!
He is the rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.

Realistic Hope

Journal from 3-05-09

This morning I woke up with this song in my head, "Jesus, He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save."
In my daily devotion for March 5 is the verse Matthew 11:28, "Come to me , all who are tired and have heavy loads and I will give you rest."
"Realistic hope is knowing life will happen the way it is suppose to someday, but not now." Heaven is our realistic hope:)
I feel as if I have a whole new way at looking at life. I struggled with hoping for things here on earth, but my true hope is in heaven. I am so very homesick for my home in heaven.

journal entry after first dr. apt. after my miscarriage

I should tell you that my sister who is two years older than me was also pregnant the same time that I was pregnant. At twenty weeks she was put on bed rest and then at 23 weeks she was on bed rest in the hospital. We got to tell each other we were pregnant at the same time with my first pregnancy, then I miscarried and became pregnant again. During that time she had trouble with her pregnancy and then I lost my second one. I know this is difficult to follow and there are a lot of details that have been left out. I really wanted this blog to stay focused on the miscarriages. I will be writing about my sister and her situation some, but if I told it all I could write a book.

3-4-09
After my appointment I went to visit my sister in the hospital. I didn't feel very positive about things after my appointment. Becca and I started talking and I realized how hurt and angry I still am. I know so much, yet I feel so little. If I knew more, I could move on with joy. I thought God's plan was this pregnancy. I was so sure, but now I am so unsure. I am sick of crying, am sick of hurting, sick of feeling unsure of dreams of my future. I feel like a bad pessimistic person for feeling this way. Where is my hope and faith? Where is my trust in God and my joy in knowing Him? I don't want to feel this way. At this point I feel like it is not a choice. I will continue to read my Bible, listen to Christian radio, and seek for God, because I know that He is what and all I need. He is what will get me through this most difficult time of my life.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Journal entry from 3/02/2009

I am posting my journal entries so you know exactly where I was at with my mind set and emotions.

3/02/09
Will I look back upon this and know and see what God is doing?

Romans 5:3-5
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the holy spirit, whom he has given us.

It has been a week now. I slowly start to smile and laugh. I slowly start to continue on with life on earth. On Saturday I said to Scott, "I can't do this, I don't want life to just keep going on. Everyone is moving forward with life, but I can't." At the time I didn't even know what I was saying. I wasn't contemplating suicide, but I was in a pit. I think I know what I meant now. If I could go back I would say, "I can't do this alone. I need God to pick me up and carry me through this. Alone I have no strength." So, God, please carry me through. Give me your strength daily, hourly and by the minute. Alone I am so weak. Be with me today as I start another week at work.

Journal from a week after the miscarriage

A journal entry from a week after my second miscarriage.

3/01/2009
I have to admit I realized today at church that I truly felt as if God.....I don't know how to say it.....let go of me and my baby. He could have stepped in and allowed this child to thrive inside of me, but instead He decided to allow this to happen. I know I need to trust God and know He is all knowing and will use this for His will. So, I will draw close to God and read about trusting in Him. I need to look up and see what God is doing around me. I think up until now I have only been looking down at myself and seeing the sadness and pain. I now need to let that go and trust.

Isaiah 40:29-31
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint.

Journal #2 after second miscarriage

This was written a couple days after my second miscarriage. My first day back to work.

2/25/09
Why is it so difficult for me to do anything? To eat feels like a chore. Now I have to get myself together, get ready and go back to work. I'm so afraid of having this feeling for way too long. Scott has been a great rock for me to lean on, I just wish I felt God more. Today I read the book of Nahum from the Bible. I was inspired by Nahum 1:7, "The Lord is good, a refuge for those in trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." Then I went on to read Habakkuk. I felt I could relate when Habakkuk cries out to God, "How long o Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen?" Habakkuk continues to pray and eventually sees God. I know it comes down to faith, it's just so hard this time.

Habakukk 3:19
"The sovereign Lord is my strength;He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights." This is my prayer today as I go back to work. As I grieve the loss of my second child I pray the Lord will give me strength, that He will give me feet like a deer. I pray for a faith that will allow me to see that God has a plan for me. I also pray for Scott, that God will continue to give him strength. I thank God for Scott and his love he is showing me.

Right after my second misscarriage

I wrote this journal Feb. 2, 2009, three days after I miscarried my second child.

I can understand one miscarriage, but I can't understand two. I learned so much with the first one, my faith was tested and grew so much. Scott and I became closer in our marriage. Although we had some tough days, ultimately they brought us closer. I learned to really look to the eternal instead of everything here on earth.
We got pregnant again right away! Wow, God really showed us how much He cared for our situation. At that moment, I was fearless. God had this one. Through week 12 He showed us again and again not to worry. I felt like God was saying to us, "I'm blessing you because you have been faithful." Sign after sign; Bible verses, heart beats, ultrasounds, all confirmed our baby's health.
The pains I felt from Friday through Sunday were like nothing I have ever experienced before. "Excruciating pains," is how I kept describing it. I was bleeding so bad I really thought my life may also be in danger. I kept saying to myself, "Jesus help me."After being in and out of the E.R. we heard the baby's heart beat and there were no signs of dilation.
On Sunday I was told I lost my baby. "Not again!" While walking in and out of the emergency room in my head was the song,"I will trust you in life's harshness, I will trust you in the darkness, I will trust you Lord to guard over my heart. In quietness and trust you will be my strength, Father I trust you with my heart." Yet, at the same time I was so angry. "Why, why why again? You were suppose to have this one! You were holding my baby for me, remember?" I felt so lost, so helpless. So very alone, especially with my thoughts. With my first miscarriage God was there right away. He told me He had a plan. This time nothing. Only confusion, disappointment and hurt.
Two days later I finally opened my Bible. It's hard to read when you have so many thoughts in your mind. I read the book of Daniel. I was encouraged by Daniel's fearlessness. In the devotion it says, "No matter what painful experiences we undergo, we must continue to pursue servanthood in a manner reflecting the boldness of Christ. To bear witness against injustice, inhumanity and other aspects of our brokenness in a darkened world, we need to develop this Christlike quality of boldness in our thoughts and actions." Maybe I am understanding a little bit.
I'm struggling, I'm tired, I'm confused, I'm frustrated, I'm hurt. Yet, I know I am loved by a heavenly Father who will never leave me.
Lord, I want to be a mother so badly it hurts. Will you bless me with a child to hold of my own?

Lamentations 3:22-26
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

Faith

My husband and I have been married for almost three years. Although I was ready to start trying for children right away, my husband wanted to wait a year. Which was a very good decision. We grew a lot in our first year of marriage and we needed that time to prepare us for the struggle we are experiencing and have been going through the past year and a half. We started trying for our first child in October of 2007. It took us a while and two rounds of Clomid, but we found out we were pregnant October of 2008. Sadly we misscarried on November 11, 2008. Scott and I didn't have a chance to figure out if we wanted to try right away or not. While I was waiting to get my first period after the miscarriage I ended up pregnant instead. We were nervously ecstatic. After many ups and downs we had our second miscarriage February 21, 2009. I was 12wks and 5days. I would like to share our story as part of my healing process and to be there for anyone else who has had experiences like ours.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."