Two beautiful children later, yet I am constantly reminded of my experience with not being able to get pregnant and then the loss of my children. I am forever grateful for what the Lord has brought me through. He pulled me so close to Him during that time that I am forever changed....eternally changed. Yet, my heart goes out to all the women and couples who are dealing with this immense pain I dealt with. The thing is, is that there isn't one situation the is totally the same. The reason being is that there is not one heart that has been designed the same. We all deal with pain, all emotions differently, that is just one of the reasons we are all so unique. So, I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I can say I am here.

Lord, I am here to use my story if you want me to.

I'm Not Finished With You Yet

As you know in my last post I was debating ending this site. Well, I feel like God has spoke to me. He said, "I'm not finished with you yet." I know from talking to others that there are so many people that are going through a difficult situation related to pregnancy, miscarriage or the loss of a child very early. I feel like God wants me to keep sharing my thoughts, devotions, excitements, and struggles.Knowing what others are feeling and what they are going through is something that will never leave me. Please feel free to e-mail me if you need someone to talk to about this, evangroll@yahoo.com.
I wanted to share with you a devotion I had the other day from Max Lucados's Grace for the Moment.

A Gentle Lamb

Where God's love is there is no fear, because God's perfect love drives out fear. 1 John 4:18

A lot of us live with a hidden fear that God is angry at us. Somewhere, sometime, some Sunday school class or some television show convinced us that God has a whip behind his back, a paddle in his back pocket, and he's going to nail us when we've gone too far.
No concept could be more wrong! Our Savior's Father is very fond of us and only wants to share his love with us.
We have a Father who is filled with compassion, a feeling Father who hurts when his children hurt. We serve a God who says that even when we're under pressure and like nothing is going to go right, he is waiting for us, to embrace us whether we succeed or fail.
He doesn't come quarreling and wrangling and forcing his way into anyone's heart. He comes into our hearts like a gentle lamb, not a roaring lion.

It's a Girl!

Almost two weeks ago Scott and I had our twenty week ultrasound. I worried myself sick that day, we weren't scheduled until 3:00. This was such an amazing time. I enjoyed Scott being able to bond a bit with his child. Of course I felt like I got to know our little girl better too, but I have been able to feel the baby inside of me and I had many apt. that I got to hear her heartbeat. More importantly than finding out the gender was that there weren't any complications or anything to be concerned about. I still can't believe this is all REALLY, truly happening. With everything we went through I started to doubt that this could happen for us. I'm not saying I was right in doing that, however I do think it is natural for anyone who has experienced miscarriage and struggling with conceiving. I can't tell you the amount of times that I thank God for where we are at now. I cherish every movement I feel, I feel so blessed already.
I have been considering an end to this blog. I originally started to blog because I wanted to reach out to others who were struggling with losing their children early. I felt like I could offer some guidance from a Christians point of view. I feel like this blog is starting to go into a different direction. Although my miscarriages will always be a part of my life, I don't feel like this site is offering what I would like it to anymore. I thought this would be a good point to stop. There is hope for all of you that have had miscarriages and are still wanting to try to conceive. There are some many more worries that come along with being pregnant again because of our passed. Let God continue to guide you and be your strength. Give your heart to the Lord constantly. I have learned so much about myself and have grown so much closer to God in the last year and a half. I'm not sure of ending this blog. One reason I wouldn't is because it has been a way for me to journal, I blog for myself mostly. So, I will let you know what I plan to do. This won't be my last blog on this site. I may even start a new site.
Please continue to pray for me and our little girl. Also, my sister-in-law is in the hospital again on bed rest. She will be 24 wks. next Sunday, but we are praying she makes it much farther. We will continue to trust God and his plan for us.

"Growing Pains"

I guess you could say a lot has happened since the last time that I posted. I think it was about a week and a half ago that I got in to see the Dr. Some things were happening that I wasn't sure if they were normal and I guess you could say I was feeling a lot of anxiety. While I was at the Dr. she reassured me that everything seems to be right on. Some things were unexplainable but because of where I am at she said it is probably just normal for me. I asked the Dr. if she thought I was being paranoid. She said maybe a little but understandabley so. At that time I had a break down. I started to cry. I was just feeling so anxious, and nervous. I didn't explain my feelings to her. She just handed me a kleenex, said she understands, and that they will do everything they can to alleviate the anxiety I have. On her way out she gave me a hug and told me to hang in there. To tell you the truth, I don't know exactly why I was crying. I think because I'm growing so close to this child. I guess I can't even really explain it now, but if you are or have been in this situation I'm sure you know exactly how I was feeling and do feel ocasionally. Of course as a christian and from passed experience I knew where to go with it all. Christ has since took away a lot of that anxiety. I started feeling the baby move, what a miraculous feeling. I purposely lay awake a little longer each night just to make sure I didn't miss any last kicks. There is only a few more days until I get another ultrasound. Yes, I'm excited to know the baby's gender, but I am more excited to see how much the baby has grown and to get that special time with daddy and baby. I'm a little nervous too, I have heard so many stories of people going in for their 20 wk. ultasound and finding complications. So, I will continue to surrender that to God.
After some good conversation with my mom yesterday and then sitting in church listening to a worship song the thought of "growing pains" entered my mind. I was reflecting on my passed year and realizing what "growing pains" I went through. If I wouldn't have had the pain I never would have grown. My relationship with God is so much stronger than it was a year ago, now I am to the point of realizing the growth was worth the pain. I have tools now that I never had before that have been equippng me in my everyday walk. Then, I thought of how fitting it is when someone is pregnant. As you carry your child, your body has to grow. In order to do so there will be pains. It may be a cramp here or a backache there. Maybe yours is more severe, maybe it entails bleeding because your body is at work. In any case the growth is worth the pain. Now, with each pain or discomfort I feel I am reminded of my "growning pains" with Christ. I am now realizing my attitude has changed from "I guess I will go into the valley if you force me to because I have no other choice." To (like the song says,) "I will walk through the valley if you want me to."

Baby tummy?

I have to tell you a story that happened to me last week at work. There is a student that I have gotten to know very well. He is a little boy with downs syndrome. I have known, (we will call him M,) M for three years now. Every morning M sees me, gets a big smile on his face and says, "Mrs. V.," and then gives me a hug. Well, the same thing happened last Friday. Except, this time with his head hitting right at my belly he looked up at me and said, "baby tummy?" Keep in mind that I haven't said anything to the kids at school yet. I guess you could say I am protecting myself for the "what-ifs." After M did this I smiled and nodded. Then he proceeded to try to lift up my shirt and see it. As I laughed and told him he could see it just fine through my shirt, I couldn't help but to feel as if I was overflowing with joy.
I had a Dr. apt last week. I had to see the nurse practitioner because my Dr. was out on an emergency c-section. I would have preferred to see my Dr, oh well. Everything was fine. I heard the heartbeat. In fact the NP commented on how active the baby was. She would get the heartbeat and then a second later she would lose it and it would be in a completely different place. I had to laugh at that. Now, I don't have an apt. until Oct. 14. That is actually our 20 wk. ultrasound. I'm excited for the next apt., but also not wanting to wait so long in between apts. I asked the NP if I could bump up the apt. a week or two. She said no. I thought about still calling and asking my Dr., but I decided that I need to wait. God has been teaching me so much about waiting and relying on Him in the mean time and I think that is what I am suppose to do.
Still sitting and waiting to feel my baby move. Everyone keeps asking me if I can feel the baby yet. I've been praying for that to happen sooner than later.
My brother and his wife are due in less than a month. I am so excited to hold that child of theirs that they have been dreaming of and praying and preparing for quite awhile now.

Life changes

So much has happened in the past few weeks. I guess the biggest thing is that I started work again. After being off for the summer this was a huge adjustment for me and I am still adjusting. I have been so extremely tired and wiped out but things seem to be getting better. Like now, my student left school early so I got the chance to come home. Instead of crashing on my couch I decided to update my blog. That in itself shows improvement. It feels good to get back to a routine and to my wonderful student too, (half days would be nice, but that isn't reality.)
Now, to the important stuff. Everything seems to be going good with the baby. I'm 16 wks and there hasn't been any spotting or major issues. I wish I could write how positive and worry free I am, but I can't. I have been hearing of so many pregnancies that haven't been working out. One being my sister in-law, two weeks ago. At 16 weeks her water broke. She was in the hospital for awhile and is now at home on bed rest. Of course my first reaction was, "it's happening again!" So far she is doing well and there has only been positive news. There isn't any more leaking and her fluids are at the low end of an o.k. level. Then, recently a friend of my family and his wife had to deliver their baby at about 23 weeks. At their 20 week ultrasound they found cysts around the baby and the baby was swollen. At that point the Dr. gave the baby two weeks. Of course I am deeply saddened for them. Why do these things keep hapenning? I still don't completely understand, but I never doubt the Father's love and His plan for us.
I am feeling more and more of a bond with this child. There are days when I look at my belly and just start to cry, the other day I read the baby a book, I feel myself letting go and dreaming sometimes I just sit and wait to see if I can feel the baby move. Then, I have a melt down, "what was that cramp?, I feel so connected to this child what if I have to let them go?, I don't want to loose this one. I'm so scared." Then, I pray and I pray and I pray.
One thing that I was so blessed with before, was all the time I had for my devotions and staying focused on Christ. Now with work, coaching volleyball and being so tired at the end of the day I haven't had the time I need to be with Christ. One day I just cried on my way to work and said out loud, "Jesus I need you so bad." I have been trying to get my Bible out at the end of the day, but my eyes are normally too sore to read and my brain is too fried to understand. I'm not a morning person either. I've tried to set my alarm clock early and get up for my devotions but I can't even explain to you how difficult that is for me. I know I need to make it work somewhere, sometime and I know I NEED it.

I would appeciate some prayer for my sister in-law, for our friends and for me to be able to find the time I need with God. Please continue praying for this baby that I have been miraculously been able to concieve and carry:) I say miraculously not because of my past but because every child is a miracle.....even the ones that get to go to heaven right away.

Wooo Hooo!!

I made it! I am 14 weeks tomorrow and I can't stop smiling about that! I constantly look down at my bump and I am amazed I got to this point. I am filled with joy and excitement.....along with some nerves still of course. So, tomorrow I celebrate the beginning of the second trimester. There is a part of me that thinks, "don't get too excited, you never know what could still happen." Then, I tell myself that this child only deserves for me to be ecstatic about his/her life.
I hate to be negative with all my positive talk, but I do have to tell you what is causing some uneasiness yet. Tomorrow I also start work again. So much about work reminds me about how my miscarriage played out last time. I'm nervous to tell everyone, I'm nervous to go to the bathroom that I started bleeding in, I'm nervous to be on my feet so much and the long days. So, please pray for me as I start a new year, and a new trimester.

Wooo Hooo for the second trimester:)!!!!!