Fearless

Let me start by letting you know my apt. went well last week. It was my 10 week apt. The Dr. rolled her mini ultrasound machine into the room as I said a little prayer. She put the jelly on my belly, not knowing for sure if she would be able to see the baby with out doing an internal ultrasound yet. As she squinted at the screen I became a little nervous as I watched her. "There's your baby!" she finally said. I still didn't let my breathe out. "I can tell there's a good heartbeat." That's when my breathe was let out. "Thank you Jesus!" I said silently. Then the Dr. started pointing out the head and the arms, the feet and the butt. I told her she could always see things I couldn't. Jokingly she said, "Do you think I'm making these things up?" With that I laughed and at the exact same time my baby moved around in a jerking motion. As my baby become more clear to me on the screen, the Dr. said something else that I laughed at. At the exact same time the baby moved again! What a great time my baby and I had together for those 5 min. That night Scott was making me laugh, right after that I said to him, "Do you think the baby was laughing too?" What a great thought! If the baby is a girl, I'm now considering using Joy for a middle name.
Now, for what my heart has been going through this past week. After my apt. I was feeling relieved about everything, but to tell you the truth I was not on cloud nine like I should have been. Again fear started to kick in. I knew things were fine now, but last time things were fine at this point too.......except for finding out that I had a polyp. But, the baby was doing great. So, I think I wasn't allowing myself to get too excited out of fear. Later that afternoon, after making a few errands I checked my mailbox. Inside was a photocopy of the first paragraph of the book written by Max Lucado, Fearless. At first I was really confused, who knew to put this there? Has someone been watching me? Then, I remembered my sister, Jenny. She is notorious for dropping off words of wisdom in my mailbox........,Thanks Jenny:) So, I read it right away. It starts out with Matthew 8:26, "Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?" Then, this is one paragraph from the first chapter:
"Fear never wrote a symphony or a poem, negotiated a peace treaty, or cured a disease. Fear never pulled a family out of poverty or a country out of bigotry. Fear never saved a marriage or a business. Courage did that. Faith did that. People who refused to consult or cower to their timidities did that. But fear itself? Fear herds us into a prison and slams the doors.
Wouldn't it be great to walk out?"
This chapter really hit home. Yet, I still stuggle with this. Here is why, if for example you were repelling down a mountain for the first time and everyone said things will be fine just put your feet out in front of you and lean back. So, you did that without any fear. But then, the unexpected happened. When your feet landed on a part of the mountain, a rock gave way. Your body slammed up against the mountain. You knock your head and your body becomes scratched up. The following week you are suppose repel again. You came out of everything fine, with some scraps and bruises and an experience you don't want to relive. How do you get back to the top of the mountain and be completely fearless?
How do I not remember my past experience? I have faith in the eternal, I know I have a loving God that will never leave me. I know He is on my side. I can't wait to get to heaven to rejoice in His pesence! Yet, I still have this fear of what could happen in the next few weeks and even months.
So, this morning as I was sitting down to start my devotions and I asked myself, "Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?"
"I'm afraid of going through the physical pain."
In my head I heard, "I will carry you through."
"I'm afraid of being heart broken"
And I heard "I will heal you."
"I'm afraid of never having children."
"I am enough for you."

He is enough for me!