Months later and two cycles later I'm still feeling the emotional pain of loosing my children. I don't think it will ever totally go away. I have been having so many ups and downs lately. Although my miscarriages aren't always on my mind like they had been, there are certain times for me that are extremely difficult. For example April 10th we were suppose to find out if we were having a boy or girl, the following day my family all got together for Easter. When I was pregnant I was so excited for that day. I pictured thinking of names with my family and everyone else being so excited to find out what our first child would be. Then, my cycle seemed to be slow this month. I was an entire week off. During that time I took three pregnancy tests that all came back negative. I finally got my period on Sunday. By that time it was a relief because I already knew I wasn't pregnant. Waiting that week was hard. It was hard not to go back to all the feelings I felt with each disappointing period in the year we tried to get pregnant. I also know Mother's Day will be very hard. This is the third year in a row that I REALLY wanted to be able to say I am a mom. I guess I can say that I am a mom, but my children are in heaven. So, those are all my downs.
My ups, of course, have been so much more exciting. I have been studying Phillipians and it is a loaded book in the Bible. What I've been learning from that is the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is all the things here on earth that give us happiness, but joy is an inner confident, calm from Christ alone. I can't say I have been the happiest person lately. I can say that I have found so much joy in knowing God and getting to know Him even more. That inner confident, calm, joy has been present and that makes me feel close to God. That is what keeps me smiling and looking forward to each day with a perspective of eternity.
Scott and I also started Chlomid again. It has been making me really moody, but I know it is all worth it. I prayed this morning that I would be able to keep my emotions under control.....with the exception of a small argument with Scott things went okay. I need to remind myself not to put my trust and hope into this medicine, but to keep it on the Lord. Even if we are able to get pregnant right soon, it is God's timing not the power of the drug.....I hope that makes sense. I guess my point is my hope is in Christ alone.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Healing in an Unexpeced Way
I told you that my sister was in the hospital on bed rest. She almost made it to 30 weeks. She gave birth and baby Brielle lived here on earth for 7 hours. Then, she went home. This was something the family wasn't expecting. We all new it was a possibility but everyone was thinking everything would be o.k. Although everything was o.k., it was o.k. in a different way.
Journal entry 3/12/09
It has been a week since I wrote last. Not because I didn't want to but because I haven't had a whole lot of time. A lot has happened since last week. Becca and Luke's Brielle went to heaven on Friday. She lived for seven hours. I went to the hospital and I was able to hold her 5 min. after she passed away. I felt a sense of peace, calm ad content as I was holding her. For me it wasn't like holding one baby, it was like holding two. When I looked at Gabriella's fingers and hands, I thought of baby Faith's ultrasound when she looked as if she was waving to Scott and me.(I have been calling her Faith. This is the girl's name we picked and at are 12 week ultrasound the tech. told us her best guess at that point was a girl. I also just feel like she is a girl.) I remember the two of us being so amazed at her developed hand. I'm sad it will be a long time before I can put my baby Faith's hand in mine. Holding Brielle allowed me to let so many things go. My Faith and Brielle along with their brothers or sisters are united in heaven. I am on my path to healing. God is making himself evident and it feels so good to feel Him again!
My heart goes out and grieves for Becca and Luke. They have been so strong, yet so weak. They continue to trust God. They have been such a light and inspiration to me. I pray that I am able to be there for them whenever possible. I especially pray for time with Becca. Time to talk and cry and just to listen to her heart.
When I told Scott that we miscarried he was so angry, we both were. When he heard of Brielle I believe he closed God out. He had a hard time with his grief. So, I prayed, my family prayed and his family prayed for him. On Friday night, the same day that Brielle went home, the boys in the family all still went on a planned ski trip. What a blessing. Scott went with a group of christian men for the weekend. Instead of being able to turn to drinking and partying to cover his hurt he was with my brothers. Whether they talk about it or not, it didn't matter. While Scott was gone I had so much time to talk with mom, dad, and Bethany. That's all we did was talk and cry, but I needed that.....I think we all needed that.
Inbetween the weekend and Monday a lot happened. Scott got a clear message from God to follow Him and be obedient. Scott had been lead to Deuteronomy 30:11-20. This passage talks all about life or death. If you choose God you choose life. If you choose death you choose other gods and are not obedient. So, in essence God was telling Scott his time had come to follow the Lord whole heartedly. Not to go back to his old ways. Scott's heart had been changed! In the passage, it also talks about the promise of children, and so much more that is relevant to Scott's life and the situation. God is here! He is near! What a relief, we feel Him, we can hear Him. He has never let us go. Although I don't completely understand loosing two of my own babies and Becca's baby in 5 months, I will trust in the heavenly father and know "spring will come."
My devotion for today:Deuteronomy 32:1-4
Listen, O heavens, and I will speak; hear, O earth, the words of my mouth. Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants.
I will proclaim the name of the Lord. Oh, praise the greatness of our God!
He is the rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.
Journal entry 3/12/09
It has been a week since I wrote last. Not because I didn't want to but because I haven't had a whole lot of time. A lot has happened since last week. Becca and Luke's Brielle went to heaven on Friday. She lived for seven hours. I went to the hospital and I was able to hold her 5 min. after she passed away. I felt a sense of peace, calm ad content as I was holding her. For me it wasn't like holding one baby, it was like holding two. When I looked at Gabriella's fingers and hands, I thought of baby Faith's ultrasound when she looked as if she was waving to Scott and me.(I have been calling her Faith. This is the girl's name we picked and at are 12 week ultrasound the tech. told us her best guess at that point was a girl. I also just feel like she is a girl.) I remember the two of us being so amazed at her developed hand. I'm sad it will be a long time before I can put my baby Faith's hand in mine. Holding Brielle allowed me to let so many things go. My Faith and Brielle along with their brothers or sisters are united in heaven. I am on my path to healing. God is making himself evident and it feels so good to feel Him again!
My heart goes out and grieves for Becca and Luke. They have been so strong, yet so weak. They continue to trust God. They have been such a light and inspiration to me. I pray that I am able to be there for them whenever possible. I especially pray for time with Becca. Time to talk and cry and just to listen to her heart.
When I told Scott that we miscarried he was so angry, we both were. When he heard of Brielle I believe he closed God out. He had a hard time with his grief. So, I prayed, my family prayed and his family prayed for him. On Friday night, the same day that Brielle went home, the boys in the family all still went on a planned ski trip. What a blessing. Scott went with a group of christian men for the weekend. Instead of being able to turn to drinking and partying to cover his hurt he was with my brothers. Whether they talk about it or not, it didn't matter. While Scott was gone I had so much time to talk with mom, dad, and Bethany. That's all we did was talk and cry, but I needed that.....I think we all needed that.
Inbetween the weekend and Monday a lot happened. Scott got a clear message from God to follow Him and be obedient. Scott had been lead to Deuteronomy 30:11-20. This passage talks all about life or death. If you choose God you choose life. If you choose death you choose other gods and are not obedient. So, in essence God was telling Scott his time had come to follow the Lord whole heartedly. Not to go back to his old ways. Scott's heart had been changed! In the passage, it also talks about the promise of children, and so much more that is relevant to Scott's life and the situation. God is here! He is near! What a relief, we feel Him, we can hear Him. He has never let us go. Although I don't completely understand loosing two of my own babies and Becca's baby in 5 months, I will trust in the heavenly father and know "spring will come."
My devotion for today:Deuteronomy 32:1-4
Listen, O heavens, and I will speak; hear, O earth, the words of my mouth. Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants.
I will proclaim the name of the Lord. Oh, praise the greatness of our God!
He is the rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Realistic Hope
Journal from 3-05-09
This morning I woke up with this song in my head, "Jesus, He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save."
In my daily devotion for March 5 is the verse Matthew 11:28, "Come to me , all who are tired and have heavy loads and I will give you rest."
"Realistic hope is knowing life will happen the way it is suppose to someday, but not now." Heaven is our realistic hope:)
I feel as if I have a whole new way at looking at life. I struggled with hoping for things here on earth, but my true hope is in heaven. I am so very homesick for my home in heaven.
This morning I woke up with this song in my head, "Jesus, He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save."
In my daily devotion for March 5 is the verse Matthew 11:28, "Come to me , all who are tired and have heavy loads and I will give you rest."
"Realistic hope is knowing life will happen the way it is suppose to someday, but not now." Heaven is our realistic hope:)
I feel as if I have a whole new way at looking at life. I struggled with hoping for things here on earth, but my true hope is in heaven. I am so very homesick for my home in heaven.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
journal entry after first dr. apt. after my miscarriage
I should tell you that my sister who is two years older than me was also pregnant the same time that I was pregnant. At twenty weeks she was put on bed rest and then at 23 weeks she was on bed rest in the hospital. We got to tell each other we were pregnant at the same time with my first pregnancy, then I miscarried and became pregnant again. During that time she had trouble with her pregnancy and then I lost my second one. I know this is difficult to follow and there are a lot of details that have been left out. I really wanted this blog to stay focused on the miscarriages. I will be writing about my sister and her situation some, but if I told it all I could write a book.
3-4-09
After my appointment I went to visit my sister in the hospital. I didn't feel very positive about things after my appointment. Becca and I started talking and I realized how hurt and angry I still am. I know so much, yet I feel so little. If I knew more, I could move on with joy. I thought God's plan was this pregnancy. I was so sure, but now I am so unsure. I am sick of crying, am sick of hurting, sick of feeling unsure of dreams of my future. I feel like a bad pessimistic person for feeling this way. Where is my hope and faith? Where is my trust in God and my joy in knowing Him? I don't want to feel this way. At this point I feel like it is not a choice. I will continue to read my Bible, listen to Christian radio, and seek for God, because I know that He is what and all I need. He is what will get me through this most difficult time of my life.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
3-4-09
After my appointment I went to visit my sister in the hospital. I didn't feel very positive about things after my appointment. Becca and I started talking and I realized how hurt and angry I still am. I know so much, yet I feel so little. If I knew more, I could move on with joy. I thought God's plan was this pregnancy. I was so sure, but now I am so unsure. I am sick of crying, am sick of hurting, sick of feeling unsure of dreams of my future. I feel like a bad pessimistic person for feeling this way. Where is my hope and faith? Where is my trust in God and my joy in knowing Him? I don't want to feel this way. At this point I feel like it is not a choice. I will continue to read my Bible, listen to Christian radio, and seek for God, because I know that He is what and all I need. He is what will get me through this most difficult time of my life.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Journal entry from 3/02/2009
I am posting my journal entries so you know exactly where I was at with my mind set and emotions.
3/02/09
Will I look back upon this and know and see what God is doing?
Romans 5:3-5
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the holy spirit, whom he has given us.
It has been a week now. I slowly start to smile and laugh. I slowly start to continue on with life on earth. On Saturday I said to Scott, "I can't do this, I don't want life to just keep going on. Everyone is moving forward with life, but I can't." At the time I didn't even know what I was saying. I wasn't contemplating suicide, but I was in a pit. I think I know what I meant now. If I could go back I would say, "I can't do this alone. I need God to pick me up and carry me through this. Alone I have no strength." So, God, please carry me through. Give me your strength daily, hourly and by the minute. Alone I am so weak. Be with me today as I start another week at work.
3/02/09
Will I look back upon this and know and see what God is doing?
Romans 5:3-5
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the holy spirit, whom he has given us.
It has been a week now. I slowly start to smile and laugh. I slowly start to continue on with life on earth. On Saturday I said to Scott, "I can't do this, I don't want life to just keep going on. Everyone is moving forward with life, but I can't." At the time I didn't even know what I was saying. I wasn't contemplating suicide, but I was in a pit. I think I know what I meant now. If I could go back I would say, "I can't do this alone. I need God to pick me up and carry me through this. Alone I have no strength." So, God, please carry me through. Give me your strength daily, hourly and by the minute. Alone I am so weak. Be with me today as I start another week at work.
Journal from a week after the miscarriage
A journal entry from a week after my second miscarriage.
3/01/2009
I have to admit I realized today at church that I truly felt as if God.....I don't know how to say it.....let go of me and my baby. He could have stepped in and allowed this child to thrive inside of me, but instead He decided to allow this to happen. I know I need to trust God and know He is all knowing and will use this for His will. So, I will draw close to God and read about trusting in Him. I need to look up and see what God is doing around me. I think up until now I have only been looking down at myself and seeing the sadness and pain. I now need to let that go and trust.
Isaiah 40:29-31
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint.
3/01/2009
I have to admit I realized today at church that I truly felt as if God.....I don't know how to say it.....let go of me and my baby. He could have stepped in and allowed this child to thrive inside of me, but instead He decided to allow this to happen. I know I need to trust God and know He is all knowing and will use this for His will. So, I will draw close to God and read about trusting in Him. I need to look up and see what God is doing around me. I think up until now I have only been looking down at myself and seeing the sadness and pain. I now need to let that go and trust.
Isaiah 40:29-31
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint.
Journal #2 after second miscarriage
This was written a couple days after my second miscarriage. My first day back to work.
2/25/09
Why is it so difficult for me to do anything? To eat feels like a chore. Now I have to get myself together, get ready and go back to work. I'm so afraid of having this feeling for way too long. Scott has been a great rock for me to lean on, I just wish I felt God more. Today I read the book of Nahum from the Bible. I was inspired by Nahum 1:7, "The Lord is good, a refuge for those in trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." Then I went on to read Habakkuk. I felt I could relate when Habakkuk cries out to God, "How long o Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen?" Habakkuk continues to pray and eventually sees God. I know it comes down to faith, it's just so hard this time.
Habakukk 3:19
"The sovereign Lord is my strength;He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights." This is my prayer today as I go back to work. As I grieve the loss of my second child I pray the Lord will give me strength, that He will give me feet like a deer. I pray for a faith that will allow me to see that God has a plan for me. I also pray for Scott, that God will continue to give him strength. I thank God for Scott and his love he is showing me.
2/25/09
Why is it so difficult for me to do anything? To eat feels like a chore. Now I have to get myself together, get ready and go back to work. I'm so afraid of having this feeling for way too long. Scott has been a great rock for me to lean on, I just wish I felt God more. Today I read the book of Nahum from the Bible. I was inspired by Nahum 1:7, "The Lord is good, a refuge for those in trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." Then I went on to read Habakkuk. I felt I could relate when Habakkuk cries out to God, "How long o Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen?" Habakkuk continues to pray and eventually sees God. I know it comes down to faith, it's just so hard this time.
Habakukk 3:19
"The sovereign Lord is my strength;He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights." This is my prayer today as I go back to work. As I grieve the loss of my second child I pray the Lord will give me strength, that He will give me feet like a deer. I pray for a faith that will allow me to see that God has a plan for me. I also pray for Scott, that God will continue to give him strength. I thank God for Scott and his love he is showing me.
Right after my second misscarriage
I wrote this journal Feb. 2, 2009, three days after I miscarried my second child.
I can understand one miscarriage, but I can't understand two. I learned so much with the first one, my faith was tested and grew so much. Scott and I became closer in our marriage. Although we had some tough days, ultimately they brought us closer. I learned to really look to the eternal instead of everything here on earth.
We got pregnant again right away! Wow, God really showed us how much He cared for our situation. At that moment, I was fearless. God had this one. Through week 12 He showed us again and again not to worry. I felt like God was saying to us, "I'm blessing you because you have been faithful." Sign after sign; Bible verses, heart beats, ultrasounds, all confirmed our baby's health.
The pains I felt from Friday through Sunday were like nothing I have ever experienced before. "Excruciating pains," is how I kept describing it. I was bleeding so bad I really thought my life may also be in danger. I kept saying to myself, "Jesus help me."After being in and out of the E.R. we heard the baby's heart beat and there were no signs of dilation.
On Sunday I was told I lost my baby. "Not again!" While walking in and out of the emergency room in my head was the song,"I will trust you in life's harshness, I will trust you in the darkness, I will trust you Lord to guard over my heart. In quietness and trust you will be my strength, Father I trust you with my heart." Yet, at the same time I was so angry. "Why, why why again? You were suppose to have this one! You were holding my baby for me, remember?" I felt so lost, so helpless. So very alone, especially with my thoughts. With my first miscarriage God was there right away. He told me He had a plan. This time nothing. Only confusion, disappointment and hurt.
Two days later I finally opened my Bible. It's hard to read when you have so many thoughts in your mind. I read the book of Daniel. I was encouraged by Daniel's fearlessness. In the devotion it says, "No matter what painful experiences we undergo, we must continue to pursue servanthood in a manner reflecting the boldness of Christ. To bear witness against injustice, inhumanity and other aspects of our brokenness in a darkened world, we need to develop this Christlike quality of boldness in our thoughts and actions." Maybe I am understanding a little bit.
I'm struggling, I'm tired, I'm confused, I'm frustrated, I'm hurt. Yet, I know I am loved by a heavenly Father who will never leave me.
Lord, I want to be a mother so badly it hurts. Will you bless me with a child to hold of my own?
Lamentations 3:22-26
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
I can understand one miscarriage, but I can't understand two. I learned so much with the first one, my faith was tested and grew so much. Scott and I became closer in our marriage. Although we had some tough days, ultimately they brought us closer. I learned to really look to the eternal instead of everything here on earth.
We got pregnant again right away! Wow, God really showed us how much He cared for our situation. At that moment, I was fearless. God had this one. Through week 12 He showed us again and again not to worry. I felt like God was saying to us, "I'm blessing you because you have been faithful." Sign after sign; Bible verses, heart beats, ultrasounds, all confirmed our baby's health.
The pains I felt from Friday through Sunday were like nothing I have ever experienced before. "Excruciating pains," is how I kept describing it. I was bleeding so bad I really thought my life may also be in danger. I kept saying to myself, "Jesus help me."After being in and out of the E.R. we heard the baby's heart beat and there were no signs of dilation.
On Sunday I was told I lost my baby. "Not again!" While walking in and out of the emergency room in my head was the song,"I will trust you in life's harshness, I will trust you in the darkness, I will trust you Lord to guard over my heart. In quietness and trust you will be my strength, Father I trust you with my heart." Yet, at the same time I was so angry. "Why, why why again? You were suppose to have this one! You were holding my baby for me, remember?" I felt so lost, so helpless. So very alone, especially with my thoughts. With my first miscarriage God was there right away. He told me He had a plan. This time nothing. Only confusion, disappointment and hurt.
Two days later I finally opened my Bible. It's hard to read when you have so many thoughts in your mind. I read the book of Daniel. I was encouraged by Daniel's fearlessness. In the devotion it says, "No matter what painful experiences we undergo, we must continue to pursue servanthood in a manner reflecting the boldness of Christ. To bear witness against injustice, inhumanity and other aspects of our brokenness in a darkened world, we need to develop this Christlike quality of boldness in our thoughts and actions." Maybe I am understanding a little bit.
I'm struggling, I'm tired, I'm confused, I'm frustrated, I'm hurt. Yet, I know I am loved by a heavenly Father who will never leave me.
Lord, I want to be a mother so badly it hurts. Will you bless me with a child to hold of my own?
Lamentations 3:22-26
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Faith
My husband and I have been married for almost three years. Although I was ready to start trying for children right away, my husband wanted to wait a year. Which was a very good decision. We grew a lot in our first year of marriage and we needed that time to prepare us for the struggle we are experiencing and have been going through the past year and a half. We started trying for our first child in October of 2007. It took us a while and two rounds of Clomid, but we found out we were pregnant October of 2008. Sadly we misscarried on November 11, 2008. Scott and I didn't have a chance to figure out if we wanted to try right away or not. While I was waiting to get my first period after the miscarriage I ended up pregnant instead. We were nervously ecstatic. After many ups and downs we had our second miscarriage February 21, 2009. I was 12wks and 5days. I would like to share our story as part of my healing process and to be there for anyone else who has had experiences like ours.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
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