I'm Not Finished With You Yet

As you know in my last post I was debating ending this site. Well, I feel like God has spoke to me. He said, "I'm not finished with you yet." I know from talking to others that there are so many people that are going through a difficult situation related to pregnancy, miscarriage or the loss of a child very early. I feel like God wants me to keep sharing my thoughts, devotions, excitements, and struggles.Knowing what others are feeling and what they are going through is something that will never leave me. Please feel free to e-mail me if you need someone to talk to about this, evangroll@yahoo.com.
I wanted to share with you a devotion I had the other day from Max Lucados's Grace for the Moment.

A Gentle Lamb

Where God's love is there is no fear, because God's perfect love drives out fear. 1 John 4:18

A lot of us live with a hidden fear that God is angry at us. Somewhere, sometime, some Sunday school class or some television show convinced us that God has a whip behind his back, a paddle in his back pocket, and he's going to nail us when we've gone too far.
No concept could be more wrong! Our Savior's Father is very fond of us and only wants to share his love with us.
We have a Father who is filled with compassion, a feeling Father who hurts when his children hurt. We serve a God who says that even when we're under pressure and like nothing is going to go right, he is waiting for us, to embrace us whether we succeed or fail.
He doesn't come quarreling and wrangling and forcing his way into anyone's heart. He comes into our hearts like a gentle lamb, not a roaring lion.

It's a Girl!

Almost two weeks ago Scott and I had our twenty week ultrasound. I worried myself sick that day, we weren't scheduled until 3:00. This was such an amazing time. I enjoyed Scott being able to bond a bit with his child. Of course I felt like I got to know our little girl better too, but I have been able to feel the baby inside of me and I had many apt. that I got to hear her heartbeat. More importantly than finding out the gender was that there weren't any complications or anything to be concerned about. I still can't believe this is all REALLY, truly happening. With everything we went through I started to doubt that this could happen for us. I'm not saying I was right in doing that, however I do think it is natural for anyone who has experienced miscarriage and struggling with conceiving. I can't tell you the amount of times that I thank God for where we are at now. I cherish every movement I feel, I feel so blessed already.
I have been considering an end to this blog. I originally started to blog because I wanted to reach out to others who were struggling with losing their children early. I felt like I could offer some guidance from a Christians point of view. I feel like this blog is starting to go into a different direction. Although my miscarriages will always be a part of my life, I don't feel like this site is offering what I would like it to anymore. I thought this would be a good point to stop. There is hope for all of you that have had miscarriages and are still wanting to try to conceive. There are some many more worries that come along with being pregnant again because of our passed. Let God continue to guide you and be your strength. Give your heart to the Lord constantly. I have learned so much about myself and have grown so much closer to God in the last year and a half. I'm not sure of ending this blog. One reason I wouldn't is because it has been a way for me to journal, I blog for myself mostly. So, I will let you know what I plan to do. This won't be my last blog on this site. I may even start a new site.
Please continue to pray for me and our little girl. Also, my sister-in-law is in the hospital again on bed rest. She will be 24 wks. next Sunday, but we are praying she makes it much farther. We will continue to trust God and his plan for us.

"Growing Pains"

I guess you could say a lot has happened since the last time that I posted. I think it was about a week and a half ago that I got in to see the Dr. Some things were happening that I wasn't sure if they were normal and I guess you could say I was feeling a lot of anxiety. While I was at the Dr. she reassured me that everything seems to be right on. Some things were unexplainable but because of where I am at she said it is probably just normal for me. I asked the Dr. if she thought I was being paranoid. She said maybe a little but understandabley so. At that time I had a break down. I started to cry. I was just feeling so anxious, and nervous. I didn't explain my feelings to her. She just handed me a kleenex, said she understands, and that they will do everything they can to alleviate the anxiety I have. On her way out she gave me a hug and told me to hang in there. To tell you the truth, I don't know exactly why I was crying. I think because I'm growing so close to this child. I guess I can't even really explain it now, but if you are or have been in this situation I'm sure you know exactly how I was feeling and do feel ocasionally. Of course as a christian and from passed experience I knew where to go with it all. Christ has since took away a lot of that anxiety. I started feeling the baby move, what a miraculous feeling. I purposely lay awake a little longer each night just to make sure I didn't miss any last kicks. There is only a few more days until I get another ultrasound. Yes, I'm excited to know the baby's gender, but I am more excited to see how much the baby has grown and to get that special time with daddy and baby. I'm a little nervous too, I have heard so many stories of people going in for their 20 wk. ultasound and finding complications. So, I will continue to surrender that to God.
After some good conversation with my mom yesterday and then sitting in church listening to a worship song the thought of "growing pains" entered my mind. I was reflecting on my passed year and realizing what "growing pains" I went through. If I wouldn't have had the pain I never would have grown. My relationship with God is so much stronger than it was a year ago, now I am to the point of realizing the growth was worth the pain. I have tools now that I never had before that have been equippng me in my everyday walk. Then, I thought of how fitting it is when someone is pregnant. As you carry your child, your body has to grow. In order to do so there will be pains. It may be a cramp here or a backache there. Maybe yours is more severe, maybe it entails bleeding because your body is at work. In any case the growth is worth the pain. Now, with each pain or discomfort I feel I am reminded of my "growning pains" with Christ. I am now realizing my attitude has changed from "I guess I will go into the valley if you force me to because I have no other choice." To (like the song says,) "I will walk through the valley if you want me to."