The Road of Life

My mom gave me this after I had my first miscarriage. I was thinking about my first child, today was the due date that I was given. I wanted to pass this along in hopes that it will be something you can look at and smile and cry and nod to like I did. There are times when I go back to it, since this ride seems so long. I do know however that it will seem short compared to eternity, and that is where we should put our hope.

The Road of Life

At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there sort of like a president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I didn't really know Him.

But later on when I met Christ, it seems as though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal.

I don't know just when it was that He suggested we change places, but life has not been the same since.

When I had control, I knew the way, it was rather boring, but predictable.....it was the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds, it was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness, He said, "Pedal!"

I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are you taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer and I started to learn to trust.

I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. And when I'd say, "I'm scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me gifts to take on my journey, my Lord's and mine, And we were off again, He said, "Give the gifts away; they're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He'd wreck it; but He knows bike secrets, knows ow to make it bend to take sharp corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks, know how to fly to shorten scary passages.

And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.

And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore, He just smiles and says......."Pedal."

Author unknown

With this little story my mom gave me a little figure of a bike. I set it up on an end table as a memory. One night my sister and brother in-law came over with their kids. One of their kids picked it up and broke it. I was very sad but tried not to make it a big deal at the time, not wanting the parents to feel terrible. When they left Scott said, "You are really upset about that aren't you?" I told him I was. To my surprise, about a week later the tiny pieces of the figure were all hot glued back together. After Scott fixed it he set it up high where it couldn't be touched.

Grace for the Moment

I realize now, more than ever how important it is to spend time with the Lord everyday. It is so easy to get side tracked in my thinking, in my purpose, in my worries. I need the direction to look toward Christ and to trust Him. When you are in a difficult situation in life, there are so many people that have, what they think, great advise. Some of it is good and some of it is so off the wall, at times I can't believe my ears. I do have to admit there are times when I think I don't have time in my day for a devotion, but I know I need to make it. At times when I feel like I don't have time, (which is really no excuse for me, since I work for the school district and have my entire summer off.) I always read from my Grace for the Moment devotional. It is a devotional written by Max Lucado. This was my devotion from the other day and I wanted to share it with you. I hope this is just a snip-it of your time with the Lord today:)

The Cure for Disappointment

I am the Lord, the God of every person on earth. Nothing is impossible for me.
Jeremiah 32:27

We need to hear that God is still in control. We need to hear that it's not over until he says so. We need to hear that life's mishaps and tragedies are not a reason to bail out. They are simply a reason to sit tight.
Corrie ten Boom used to say, "When the train goes through a tunnel and the world gets dark, do you jump out? Of course not. You sit still and trust the engineer to get you through."...
The way to deal with discouragement? The cure for disappointment? Go back and read the story of God. Read it again and again. Be reminded that you aren't the first person to weep. And you aren't the first person to be helped.
Read the story and remember, {the} story is yours!

He Still Moves Stones

I hope this devotion encourages you how it has encouraged me:)

I'm still trying to figure out how to get a playlist on this blog. I guess you could say I am not a very computer savy person, but I'm trying. Anyway, my favorite cd right now is While I'm Waiting by John Waller. While I'm waiting is one very good song, but the entire cd is awesome and relates so much to my life right now to my life right now.

Learning through Job

About two weeks ago I started reading the book of Job. I couldn't believe how relevant it was to my life right now. I was excited to read and learn more. If you are going through struggle right now, I highly recommend reading the book of Job. Job had a perfect life. First of all he was a christian and was obedient. He was also blessed with a big herd and a large family. Job never had any major struggles until the devil wanted to challenge God. The devil thought that Job was only strong in his faith because he never had any struggles. So, Job's children die and Job gets a terrible skin disease. After friends try to counsel him with wrong counsel and Job calling out to God, God speaks to Job. Eventually Job becomes healthy, has more children and gets a herd back double the size of what he had before. This is just a quick summary of the book of Job. After reading for a couple days, I started reading something else and set Job aside for a bit.
Today was an unexpectedly difficult day for me. It was my last day of work before the summer. Normally this day is so exciting and it was, until the very end of the day. I realized that if I would still be pregnant from the first time I would be due in a couple weeks. If I would still be pregnant the second time I would be thinking just the summer is left. I realized what this day would have been if I would have been pregnant. I also started thinking about the school year and everything that happened from September until now. So, I ended up crying at work, (which I hate to do.) Luckily I was with some of my friends that understood. I didn't go to the end of the year staff party instead I came home to finish the book of Job. That is exactly what I needed. I was at the part in Job were God speaks. I felt as if he was speaking to me. Here is one thing I learned while reading.

How Suffering Affects Us

Suffering is helpful when:

We turn to God for understanding, endurance, and deliverance

We ask important questions we might not take time to think about in our normal routine

We are prepared by it to identify with and comfort others who suffer

We are open to being helped by others who are obeying God

We are ready to learn from a trustworthy God

We realize we can identify with what Christ suffered on the cross for us

We are sensitized to the amount of suffering in the world

It felt really good to know that I have been doing these things. I know that this suffering has forced my relationship with Christ to grow so much deeper than it had been.

Suffering is harmful when:

We become hardened and reject God

We refuse to ask any questions and miss any lessons that might be good for us

We allow it to make us self-centered and selfish

We withdraw from the help others can give

We reject the fact that God can bring good out of calamity

We accuse God of being unjust perhaps lead other to reject Him

We refuse to be open to any changes in our lives

*That was all in my Bible. I have a New International Version, Life Application Study Bible and I love it.

Lord,
Thank you for speaking to me through Job. I pray that I will just allow you to work and praise you while I am patiently waiting for what you have for me. You are the one that made the stars in the sky and the one that makes it rain. You are the creator of many wonders. I pray to you not because I know you will do what I want but because I know you can. I also know that your plan is way greater than I could even imagine.
I love you,
Ellen

You one know, another thing I am facing right now is trying to get pregnant again. For some people they are able to say we are going to try again and they know they will get pregnant right away. That is not the case for Scott and I, we tried for over a year before we got pregnant the first time, (during that time I thought that was going to be our biggest struggle.) I need to give this worry to God. Please pray that Scott and I are able to be patient and not get frustrated during this time.

Mother's Day

Well, I knew I would be filled with emotion on Mother's Day. I Knew this day would bring up so much hurt and disappointment and that it did, but it also brought more that I wasn't expecting. First of all may I say to all the women that are having a difficult time getting pregnant, I know what you are going through. I knew I was suppose to wish every mother a happy Mother's Day, but it was hard to say. Instead you start noticing how many women have children. You don't understand why you can't be apart of that majority. You see a glow in them that you so badly want. Let me also say to the women who have had a miscarriage or your child is in heaven, we are still mothers. We need to be proud of the life that we had inside of us and know that we are also mothers. So, anyway, I felt the pain of not having my children this Mother's Day.
Scott and I woke up and had a lazy morning before getting ready for church. Scott got me a Mother's Day card. I was so surprised and touched by his thoughtfulness and love. I think it was one of the best things he has ever done for me. Inside he told me how even though we were only with our children for a short time, I was a great mother. He also express his hope for next Mother's Day. Of course we sat and cried together for a little bit. I did have a small break down in church when they asked the mothers to stand. I didn't stand, but Scott leaned over and said, "you should be standing babe." After church we went to my parent's house along with my entire family. A few minutes after being there the girls congregated in the kitchen. My sister Becca gave me a gift bag and said something like, "as a mother your main goal is to see your children live their lives in eternity and yours are there." All the girls in the family chipped in and got me a necklace with two tiny rings with my children's birthstones. As a bawled my mom gave me a hug and told me she loved me. Becca told me to just let it all out, and made me feel comfortable with my tears. Jenny put my necklace on for me, and as I looked up I saw Sarah give me a smile through her tears. I also saw Bethany crying and I heard Erin off to my left sniffing. I was so extremely touched. I will cherish this forever. The love of the women in my family that day was overwhelmed with their thoughtfulness. What felt really special to me is that they were thinking of not just me but also remebering my children that day too. I never want anyone to forget the children I have in heaven. I feel so blessed to be in a family that grieves with me, listens to me, knows me, and at times stands in the gap for me. So, although Mother's Day was emotional it wasn't as much of a dissapointment as I thought it would be. Scott and my family showed me so much love and support.

Lord,
Thank you for blessing me with a wonderful, sensitive husband. A man who is strong and confident yet so sensitive and gentle. Thank you Lord for the family that has so many times showed me what love is. Thank you Lord for loving me and and wrapping your arms around me. For giving me strength to face the days I feel may be unbearable.
I love you.

Ellen

Ups and Downs

Months later and two cycles later I'm still feeling the emotional pain of loosing my children. I don't think it will ever totally go away. I have been having so many ups and downs lately. Although my miscarriages aren't always on my mind like they had been, there are certain times for me that are extremely difficult. For example April 10th we were suppose to find out if we were having a boy or girl, the following day my family all got together for Easter. When I was pregnant I was so excited for that day. I pictured thinking of names with my family and everyone else being so excited to find out what our first child would be. Then, my cycle seemed to be slow this month. I was an entire week off. During that time I took three pregnancy tests that all came back negative. I finally got my period on Sunday. By that time it was a relief because I already knew I wasn't pregnant. Waiting that week was hard. It was hard not to go back to all the feelings I felt with each disappointing period in the year we tried to get pregnant. I also know Mother's Day will be very hard. This is the third year in a row that I REALLY wanted to be able to say I am a mom. I guess I can say that I am a mom, but my children are in heaven. So, those are all my downs.
My ups, of course, have been so much more exciting. I have been studying Phillipians and it is a loaded book in the Bible. What I've been learning from that is the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is all the things here on earth that give us happiness, but joy is an inner confident, calm from Christ alone. I can't say I have been the happiest person lately. I can say that I have found so much joy in knowing God and getting to know Him even more. That inner confident, calm, joy has been present and that makes me feel close to God. That is what keeps me smiling and looking forward to each day with a perspective of eternity.
Scott and I also started Chlomid again. It has been making me really moody, but I know it is all worth it. I prayed this morning that I would be able to keep my emotions under control.....with the exception of a small argument with Scott things went okay. I need to remind myself not to put my trust and hope into this medicine, but to keep it on the Lord. Even if we are able to get pregnant right soon, it is God's timing not the power of the drug.....I hope that makes sense. I guess my point is my hope is in Christ alone.

Healing in an Unexpeced Way

I told you that my sister was in the hospital on bed rest. She almost made it to 30 weeks. She gave birth and baby Brielle lived here on earth for 7 hours. Then, she went home. This was something the family wasn't expecting. We all new it was a possibility but everyone was thinking everything would be o.k. Although everything was o.k., it was o.k. in a different way.

Journal entry 3/12/09
It has been a week since I wrote last. Not because I didn't want to but because I haven't had a whole lot of time. A lot has happened since last week. Becca and Luke's Brielle went to heaven on Friday. She lived for seven hours. I went to the hospital and I was able to hold her 5 min. after she passed away. I felt a sense of peace, calm ad content as I was holding her. For me it wasn't like holding one baby, it was like holding two. When I looked at Gabriella's fingers and hands, I thought of baby Faith's ultrasound when she looked as if she was waving to Scott and me.(I have been calling her Faith. This is the girl's name we picked and at are 12 week ultrasound the tech. told us her best guess at that point was a girl. I also just feel like she is a girl.) I remember the two of us being so amazed at her developed hand. I'm sad it will be a long time before I can put my baby Faith's hand in mine. Holding Brielle allowed me to let so many things go. My Faith and Brielle along with their brothers or sisters are united in heaven. I am on my path to healing. God is making himself evident and it feels so good to feel Him again!
My heart goes out and grieves for Becca and Luke. They have been so strong, yet so weak. They continue to trust God. They have been such a light and inspiration to me. I pray that I am able to be there for them whenever possible. I especially pray for time with Becca. Time to talk and cry and just to listen to her heart.
When I told Scott that we miscarried he was so angry, we both were. When he heard of Brielle I believe he closed God out. He had a hard time with his grief. So, I prayed, my family prayed and his family prayed for him. On Friday night, the same day that Brielle went home, the boys in the family all still went on a planned ski trip. What a blessing. Scott went with a group of christian men for the weekend. Instead of being able to turn to drinking and partying to cover his hurt he was with my brothers. Whether they talk about it or not, it didn't matter. While Scott was gone I had so much time to talk with mom, dad, and Bethany. That's all we did was talk and cry, but I needed that.....I think we all needed that.
Inbetween the weekend and Monday a lot happened. Scott got a clear message from God to follow Him and be obedient. Scott had been lead to Deuteronomy 30:11-20. This passage talks all about life or death. If you choose God you choose life. If you choose death you choose other gods and are not obedient. So, in essence God was telling Scott his time had come to follow the Lord whole heartedly. Not to go back to his old ways. Scott's heart had been changed! In the passage, it also talks about the promise of children, and so much more that is relevant to Scott's life and the situation. God is here! He is near! What a relief, we feel Him, we can hear Him. He has never let us go. Although I don't completely understand loosing two of my own babies and Becca's baby in 5 months, I will trust in the heavenly father and know "spring will come."
My devotion for today:Deuteronomy 32:1-4
Listen, O heavens, and I will speak; hear, O earth, the words of my mouth. Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants.
I will proclaim the name of the Lord. Oh, praise the greatness of our God!
He is the rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.

Realistic Hope

Journal from 3-05-09

This morning I woke up with this song in my head, "Jesus, He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save."
In my daily devotion for March 5 is the verse Matthew 11:28, "Come to me , all who are tired and have heavy loads and I will give you rest."
"Realistic hope is knowing life will happen the way it is suppose to someday, but not now." Heaven is our realistic hope:)
I feel as if I have a whole new way at looking at life. I struggled with hoping for things here on earth, but my true hope is in heaven. I am so very homesick for my home in heaven.