Ups and Downs

Months later and two cycles later I'm still feeling the emotional pain of loosing my children. I don't think it will ever totally go away. I have been having so many ups and downs lately. Although my miscarriages aren't always on my mind like they had been, there are certain times for me that are extremely difficult. For example April 10th we were suppose to find out if we were having a boy or girl, the following day my family all got together for Easter. When I was pregnant I was so excited for that day. I pictured thinking of names with my family and everyone else being so excited to find out what our first child would be. Then, my cycle seemed to be slow this month. I was an entire week off. During that time I took three pregnancy tests that all came back negative. I finally got my period on Sunday. By that time it was a relief because I already knew I wasn't pregnant. Waiting that week was hard. It was hard not to go back to all the feelings I felt with each disappointing period in the year we tried to get pregnant. I also know Mother's Day will be very hard. This is the third year in a row that I REALLY wanted to be able to say I am a mom. I guess I can say that I am a mom, but my children are in heaven. So, those are all my downs.
My ups, of course, have been so much more exciting. I have been studying Phillipians and it is a loaded book in the Bible. What I've been learning from that is the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is all the things here on earth that give us happiness, but joy is an inner confident, calm from Christ alone. I can't say I have been the happiest person lately. I can say that I have found so much joy in knowing God and getting to know Him even more. That inner confident, calm, joy has been present and that makes me feel close to God. That is what keeps me smiling and looking forward to each day with a perspective of eternity.
Scott and I also started Chlomid again. It has been making me really moody, but I know it is all worth it. I prayed this morning that I would be able to keep my emotions under control.....with the exception of a small argument with Scott things went okay. I need to remind myself not to put my trust and hope into this medicine, but to keep it on the Lord. Even if we are able to get pregnant right soon, it is God's timing not the power of the drug.....I hope that makes sense. I guess my point is my hope is in Christ alone.