Oops

So, my "r" button has been sticking. The title of the last post should be My Heart Goes Out to You.
I can't figure out how to go back and fix it.

My heat goes out to you

Well my apt. last week went good! The doctor brought her little portable ultrasound machine into the room. Although it isn't as high tech as when you go in for an ultrasound, the doctor was able to see the baby move, the baby was measuring at 8 weeks 2 days which was right on. So, that puts my due date at March 3, 2010. We set up a plan to meet every two weeks until beyond the end of the first trimester.....that will put us into September. So, I have an apt. with the doctor next week and then in two weeks I will have a 12 week ultrasound. Believe it or not I am showing a little bit already. I'm not recognizably pregnant, but I do have a little bump. I love it! I wish I could tell you that I am not worrying as much. Every night I smile thinking I made it through another day, yet at the same time I become a little more nervous that I am getting closer to the point of where I was at with Faith. Still I am trying to cherish everyday with this child. I had been searching for a rainbow last week, finally on Sunday I saw one so bight and clear. Seeing a rainbow is a sign to me of hope and a promise that God will never leave us. When I was a child every time there was a chance of a rainbow we would all run out to the sun porch and look. When we saw one we were all so joyful. Most of the time we would run outside and just watch the rainbow get brighter. Then someone would usually say, "you know that's God's promise that He will never flood the earth again." I am dreaming and praying for this child that I long to hold in my arms in 7 months. I can't wait to search for a rainbow with this little one.

I have to tell you the main reason I felt inspired to post again was because I found out about a friend's miscarriage tonight. When they told us they were pregnant we knew we were only two weeks behind them, but we were too early to say anything yet. The second I heard their sad news tears started streaming down my face. I know the pain they are feeling. I grieve with them. I didn't think about not calling to make sure she was doing o.k. With a text back she replied confused and not knowing how to feel. I remember that so clear. I hope she talks to someone who has been through it or just someone that is extremely empathetic to her situation. I know how much it helped me just to tell my story again. I would love her to call me to talk about it, but if she doesn't, I will pray. If you are in the same spot, let me encourage you to talk to someone. It is okay to be confused and angry and sad and unsure of everything. Let me encourage you to give your struggle to God even if you can't feel Him right now. Let others stand in the gap for you. Talk about your situation and know that there is nothing you did wrong. There is no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed, there isn't anything you could have done differently. Put your hope in the eternal, know that you will be able to hold your child again if you have a personal relationship with Jesus. In the mean time your child will never feel any hurt or pain, heart ache or let downs. They are waiting for us to join them in heaven.

So Far So Good

Well, first of all I need to apologize for not writing sooner. After my appointment I had every intention of getting on the computer and updating my blog before I left for vacation. Things got hectic and I never got to it.
Our 6 and half, (that half really means a lot when you're in this position,) week ultrasound went great! I will post the pictures I got, but I don't have enough time right now. It seems simple things take me a long time on computers. Anyway, back to the important stuff, we heard the heart beat and saw the baby. The baby was measuring at the right growth. The night before I had prayed that we get a personal and sensitive ultrasound tech., my prayer was answered times ten. The lady we had told us every detail of what she was doing and looking at and for. When we entered the room she said she knew we had a rocky past so she would make sure to really take her time and pay special attention to everything. She had a couple of really cool things to say during our time there. One thing she said is how cool she thought it was that right now this baby is pretty much all heart. She also said she thought the picture resembled a diamond ring, with the baby being the diamond and the yolk sac being the band. Then she went on to say that in life rings resemble promises. You get a promise ring, an engagement ring, a wedding ring and these are all promises. Then she said she looks at this picture and thinks of it as a promise. Wow! I absolutely love that! When I have time to post my picture, you will really see the resemblance. This picture is God's promise to us. Not necessarily that I will be able to carry this baby full term, but that God has the control.

The last two weeks have still been a roller coaster, but I have been trying to give it to God everyday. I still get nervous with every little cramp or not cramp or not feeling sick, so I still have to work on fully giving this to God.

I have my first OB apt. in about 15 min. I will be able to talk to my doctor and hopefully get another sign that everything is going o.k. I'm hoping she will tell me her plan for the next few months. I will post sooner this time and let you know how things are going

Please continue to pray. I realize how strong the power of prayer is and I can't stress it enough.

Dear Father,

Please continue to take care of my child that is growing and forming in my womb right now. Wrap your loving arms around this child of yours. Lord, I pray that I am able to carry this baby full term and that this child is healthy. Lord, I trust you, your timing and your will.

Love,
Ellen

Happy father's Day!

Well, it has been a bit since I posted last. To tell you the truth I didn't write because I was unsure of whether or not I wanted to make myself completely vulnerable. After thinking and praying I decided I would like to keep this blog real to what is happening in my life.

After two rounds of Chlomid and three months all together of trying to get pregnant it happened:) Yes, Scott and I are expecting again! I got to tell Scott we were expecting on Father's day, which was really two days before a missed period. Scott was gone to run an errand and during that time I took a test. While I was waiting for the result I just sat and prayed. I prayed that I would understand that it would happen in God's timing. To my amazement there were two lines. My first reaction was to say, "Thank you Jesus. Oh, thank you!" My second reaction was to go into the baby room, (that had been started for the last two,) and look at the picture box I made and remember and grieve the loss of my first two. This wasn't a conscience thing, it just happened, that made me feel good. That I wouldn't ever forget my children in heaven. The pictures are of the shadow box I made and then of my two previous pregnancies.

Of course Scott's reaction was not like it was for the first pregnancy. He was surprised but didn't really say much at first. Then He started asking questions about the due date.

The reality of the situation is that I am sooo very excited, but at the same time I am so very scared. The week after I found out I forced myself to look through the baby name book and I got some pregnancy magazines. From then on it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. Every time I go to the bathroom I feel a bit nervous. Everytime I feel any kind of cramp or preasure I worry. Although I don't know if I will carry this baby full term, I do know that right now I have a life inside of me that I need to me excited about. If this is all the time I have with this child, then I want to make the most of it.

Tomorrow we go in for our first ultrasound. I will be 6 1/2 weeks. I'm excited and nervous. The good thing is that there hasn't been any bleeding and I am started to feel nauseaus at times. Please pray for us and this child. I ache to feel this child move inside of me, I ache to hold this child in my arms and call this child by name.

I need my time with the Lord everyday I realize when I don't get that those are my more difficult days. When I do get that time I am filled. I have been reading a lot about faith again. Right now I am reading Hebrews. I have also been thinking a lot about confidence in our faith and in Christ. I am realizing how important that is.

Philliians :6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Please, please pray for us!

The Road of Life

My mom gave me this after I had my first miscarriage. I was thinking about my first child, today was the due date that I was given. I wanted to pass this along in hopes that it will be something you can look at and smile and cry and nod to like I did. There are times when I go back to it, since this ride seems so long. I do know however that it will seem short compared to eternity, and that is where we should put our hope.

The Road of Life

At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there sort of like a president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I didn't really know Him.

But later on when I met Christ, it seems as though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal.

I don't know just when it was that He suggested we change places, but life has not been the same since.

When I had control, I knew the way, it was rather boring, but predictable.....it was the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds, it was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness, He said, "Pedal!"

I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are you taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer and I started to learn to trust.

I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. And when I'd say, "I'm scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me gifts to take on my journey, my Lord's and mine, And we were off again, He said, "Give the gifts away; they're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He'd wreck it; but He knows bike secrets, knows ow to make it bend to take sharp corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks, know how to fly to shorten scary passages.

And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.

And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore, He just smiles and says......."Pedal."

Author unknown

With this little story my mom gave me a little figure of a bike. I set it up on an end table as a memory. One night my sister and brother in-law came over with their kids. One of their kids picked it up and broke it. I was very sad but tried not to make it a big deal at the time, not wanting the parents to feel terrible. When they left Scott said, "You are really upset about that aren't you?" I told him I was. To my surprise, about a week later the tiny pieces of the figure were all hot glued back together. After Scott fixed it he set it up high where it couldn't be touched.

Grace for the Moment

I realize now, more than ever how important it is to spend time with the Lord everyday. It is so easy to get side tracked in my thinking, in my purpose, in my worries. I need the direction to look toward Christ and to trust Him. When you are in a difficult situation in life, there are so many people that have, what they think, great advise. Some of it is good and some of it is so off the wall, at times I can't believe my ears. I do have to admit there are times when I think I don't have time in my day for a devotion, but I know I need to make it. At times when I feel like I don't have time, (which is really no excuse for me, since I work for the school district and have my entire summer off.) I always read from my Grace for the Moment devotional. It is a devotional written by Max Lucado. This was my devotion from the other day and I wanted to share it with you. I hope this is just a snip-it of your time with the Lord today:)

The Cure for Disappointment

I am the Lord, the God of every person on earth. Nothing is impossible for me.
Jeremiah 32:27

We need to hear that God is still in control. We need to hear that it's not over until he says so. We need to hear that life's mishaps and tragedies are not a reason to bail out. They are simply a reason to sit tight.
Corrie ten Boom used to say, "When the train goes through a tunnel and the world gets dark, do you jump out? Of course not. You sit still and trust the engineer to get you through."...
The way to deal with discouragement? The cure for disappointment? Go back and read the story of God. Read it again and again. Be reminded that you aren't the first person to weep. And you aren't the first person to be helped.
Read the story and remember, {the} story is yours!

He Still Moves Stones

I hope this devotion encourages you how it has encouraged me:)

I'm still trying to figure out how to get a playlist on this blog. I guess you could say I am not a very computer savy person, but I'm trying. Anyway, my favorite cd right now is While I'm Waiting by John Waller. While I'm waiting is one very good song, but the entire cd is awesome and relates so much to my life right now to my life right now.

Learning through Job

About two weeks ago I started reading the book of Job. I couldn't believe how relevant it was to my life right now. I was excited to read and learn more. If you are going through struggle right now, I highly recommend reading the book of Job. Job had a perfect life. First of all he was a christian and was obedient. He was also blessed with a big herd and a large family. Job never had any major struggles until the devil wanted to challenge God. The devil thought that Job was only strong in his faith because he never had any struggles. So, Job's children die and Job gets a terrible skin disease. After friends try to counsel him with wrong counsel and Job calling out to God, God speaks to Job. Eventually Job becomes healthy, has more children and gets a herd back double the size of what he had before. This is just a quick summary of the book of Job. After reading for a couple days, I started reading something else and set Job aside for a bit.
Today was an unexpectedly difficult day for me. It was my last day of work before the summer. Normally this day is so exciting and it was, until the very end of the day. I realized that if I would still be pregnant from the first time I would be due in a couple weeks. If I would still be pregnant the second time I would be thinking just the summer is left. I realized what this day would have been if I would have been pregnant. I also started thinking about the school year and everything that happened from September until now. So, I ended up crying at work, (which I hate to do.) Luckily I was with some of my friends that understood. I didn't go to the end of the year staff party instead I came home to finish the book of Job. That is exactly what I needed. I was at the part in Job were God speaks. I felt as if he was speaking to me. Here is one thing I learned while reading.

How Suffering Affects Us

Suffering is helpful when:

We turn to God for understanding, endurance, and deliverance

We ask important questions we might not take time to think about in our normal routine

We are prepared by it to identify with and comfort others who suffer

We are open to being helped by others who are obeying God

We are ready to learn from a trustworthy God

We realize we can identify with what Christ suffered on the cross for us

We are sensitized to the amount of suffering in the world

It felt really good to know that I have been doing these things. I know that this suffering has forced my relationship with Christ to grow so much deeper than it had been.

Suffering is harmful when:

We become hardened and reject God

We refuse to ask any questions and miss any lessons that might be good for us

We allow it to make us self-centered and selfish

We withdraw from the help others can give

We reject the fact that God can bring good out of calamity

We accuse God of being unjust perhaps lead other to reject Him

We refuse to be open to any changes in our lives

*That was all in my Bible. I have a New International Version, Life Application Study Bible and I love it.

Lord,
Thank you for speaking to me through Job. I pray that I will just allow you to work and praise you while I am patiently waiting for what you have for me. You are the one that made the stars in the sky and the one that makes it rain. You are the creator of many wonders. I pray to you not because I know you will do what I want but because I know you can. I also know that your plan is way greater than I could even imagine.
I love you,
Ellen

You one know, another thing I am facing right now is trying to get pregnant again. For some people they are able to say we are going to try again and they know they will get pregnant right away. That is not the case for Scott and I, we tried for over a year before we got pregnant the first time, (during that time I thought that was going to be our biggest struggle.) I need to give this worry to God. Please pray that Scott and I are able to be patient and not get frustrated during this time.