Baby tummy?

I have to tell you a story that happened to me last week at work. There is a student that I have gotten to know very well. He is a little boy with downs syndrome. I have known, (we will call him M,) M for three years now. Every morning M sees me, gets a big smile on his face and says, "Mrs. V.," and then gives me a hug. Well, the same thing happened last Friday. Except, this time with his head hitting right at my belly he looked up at me and said, "baby tummy?" Keep in mind that I haven't said anything to the kids at school yet. I guess you could say I am protecting myself for the "what-ifs." After M did this I smiled and nodded. Then he proceeded to try to lift up my shirt and see it. As I laughed and told him he could see it just fine through my shirt, I couldn't help but to feel as if I was overflowing with joy.
I had a Dr. apt last week. I had to see the nurse practitioner because my Dr. was out on an emergency c-section. I would have preferred to see my Dr, oh well. Everything was fine. I heard the heartbeat. In fact the NP commented on how active the baby was. She would get the heartbeat and then a second later she would lose it and it would be in a completely different place. I had to laugh at that. Now, I don't have an apt. until Oct. 14. That is actually our 20 wk. ultrasound. I'm excited for the next apt., but also not wanting to wait so long in between apts. I asked the NP if I could bump up the apt. a week or two. She said no. I thought about still calling and asking my Dr., but I decided that I need to wait. God has been teaching me so much about waiting and relying on Him in the mean time and I think that is what I am suppose to do.
Still sitting and waiting to feel my baby move. Everyone keeps asking me if I can feel the baby yet. I've been praying for that to happen sooner than later.
My brother and his wife are due in less than a month. I am so excited to hold that child of theirs that they have been dreaming of and praying and preparing for quite awhile now.

Life changes

So much has happened in the past few weeks. I guess the biggest thing is that I started work again. After being off for the summer this was a huge adjustment for me and I am still adjusting. I have been so extremely tired and wiped out but things seem to be getting better. Like now, my student left school early so I got the chance to come home. Instead of crashing on my couch I decided to update my blog. That in itself shows improvement. It feels good to get back to a routine and to my wonderful student too, (half days would be nice, but that isn't reality.)
Now, to the important stuff. Everything seems to be going good with the baby. I'm 16 wks and there hasn't been any spotting or major issues. I wish I could write how positive and worry free I am, but I can't. I have been hearing of so many pregnancies that haven't been working out. One being my sister in-law, two weeks ago. At 16 weeks her water broke. She was in the hospital for awhile and is now at home on bed rest. Of course my first reaction was, "it's happening again!" So far she is doing well and there has only been positive news. There isn't any more leaking and her fluids are at the low end of an o.k. level. Then, recently a friend of my family and his wife had to deliver their baby at about 23 weeks. At their 20 week ultrasound they found cysts around the baby and the baby was swollen. At that point the Dr. gave the baby two weeks. Of course I am deeply saddened for them. Why do these things keep hapenning? I still don't completely understand, but I never doubt the Father's love and His plan for us.
I am feeling more and more of a bond with this child. There are days when I look at my belly and just start to cry, the other day I read the baby a book, I feel myself letting go and dreaming sometimes I just sit and wait to see if I can feel the baby move. Then, I have a melt down, "what was that cramp?, I feel so connected to this child what if I have to let them go?, I don't want to loose this one. I'm so scared." Then, I pray and I pray and I pray.
One thing that I was so blessed with before, was all the time I had for my devotions and staying focused on Christ. Now with work, coaching volleyball and being so tired at the end of the day I haven't had the time I need to be with Christ. One day I just cried on my way to work and said out loud, "Jesus I need you so bad." I have been trying to get my Bible out at the end of the day, but my eyes are normally too sore to read and my brain is too fried to understand. I'm not a morning person either. I've tried to set my alarm clock early and get up for my devotions but I can't even explain to you how difficult that is for me. I know I need to make it work somewhere, sometime and I know I NEED it.

I would appeciate some prayer for my sister in-law, for our friends and for me to be able to find the time I need with God. Please continue praying for this baby that I have been miraculously been able to concieve and carry:) I say miraculously not because of my past but because every child is a miracle.....even the ones that get to go to heaven right away.

Wooo Hooo!!

I made it! I am 14 weeks tomorrow and I can't stop smiling about that! I constantly look down at my bump and I am amazed I got to this point. I am filled with joy and excitement.....along with some nerves still of course. So, tomorrow I celebrate the beginning of the second trimester. There is a part of me that thinks, "don't get too excited, you never know what could still happen." Then, I tell myself that this child only deserves for me to be ecstatic about his/her life.
I hate to be negative with all my positive talk, but I do have to tell you what is causing some uneasiness yet. Tomorrow I also start work again. So much about work reminds me about how my miscarriage played out last time. I'm nervous to tell everyone, I'm nervous to go to the bathroom that I started bleeding in, I'm nervous to be on my feet so much and the long days. So, please pray for me as I start a new year, and a new trimester.

Wooo Hooo for the second trimester:)!!!!!

Dear Glory Baby

Dear Glory Baby,

Today is the day I would have been able to hold you and feel your skin on my skin. I would have been able to see if you had your daddy's unique lip, or if you would have my eyes. Instead, I dream of how I think you might look and feel in my arms. You are truly a child of God. Selfishly I want you here. But as you know dear child, you couldn't be in a better place than where you are now. You are in your Heavenly Father's arms and because of that I am joyful. I can't wait to meet you and hold you and express all the love I have for you. You will never be forgotten, for you are my Glory Baby.

I love you, forever and always and no matter what,
Mama

13 Weeks

For the longest time I thought I miscarried at 12 wks and 5 days. Then I read my sister's blog and she had mentioned my miscarriage at 14 wks. At first I thought she was off on her weeks, but whatever. Then, I went back and realized she was right. I miscarried at 13 wks and 5 days. Some people may say it doesn't matter, but when you're pregnant again and you are waiting to get passed the point of where you miscarried the last time......it matters! So, today I am 13 weeks. Of course this week I will again be on pins and needles. This is a little strange too, this Wednesday was my due date with Faith and I am also at 13 weeks right now which is when I miscarried Faith. Tomorow isn't going to be an easy day for me. However, just like in the past God has carried me and comforted me.

A True Sense of Hope From God

After reading my blogs for awhile now, you probably know that I am a true worrier. I worry about what I'm going to wear, tripping down the stairs, toilet paper on my shoe and over-sleeping. I worry not just for myself but for other people. I tend to notice a potential accident before most people, because I worry. These are just the little things, on a daily basis. Of course this problem is worse when there is something big happening. This is something that I know about myself and something that I have been working on. To me worrying comes so quick, it isn't just something that I tell myself to stop doing. It is like a habit. "Hi, my name is Ellen and I am a worry-aholic:)" In all seriousness though, God has been teaching me to let go of that.
So, you can imagine how many times with in the past 12 weeks that I have worried. On Wednesday I had my 12 week ultra-sound. (Not everyone decides to do this testing, but in my case I looked at it as a way to spend some time with my child.) We set the apt. up for later in the day, that way Scott wouldn't have to take extra time off of work. So, with me not working right now, I had the entire day to worry. Instead though, God stepped in and gave me a true sense of hope. I started my day with my devotions. The day before I had finished reading the verses on hope, so with somewhat of a loss on where to begin I went back to Psalm 118. Before I started reading I poured my heart out to God. Although He knew where I was at anyway, I think it is important to be real and honest with God. That is what makes my relationship personal. After reading Psalm 118 I decided to go back through the Psalms, and so I began reading Psalm 117, 116, and through to .....I believe Psalm 112.

Psalm 112:1,2
Praise the Lord, Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who finds great delight in His commands. His children will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed.

Psalm 113:9
He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.

Psalm 115:14,15
May the Lord make you increase both you and your children. May you be blessed by the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Notice the pattern? So, I felt this true sense of hope from God to sustain me. To stop me from worrying and to remember my gracious and comforting Father.

My ultra-sound went wonderful! Everything looked good with nothing to worry about. I have to tell you I was wondering if this would just seem like a continuation from our last 12 week ultrasound of Faith. It didn't, Faith only uncrossed her legs maybe two times during the entire time.She seemed to be sitting pretty. This baby's legs were in the air doing kicks, and spreading apart and stretching out. What an amazing time we had with our child.

My knew pictures of Baby Van Groll.







For those of you who are worry-aholoics too, I've been reading the book Fearless by Max Lucado and this is a tool that I will be turning to when I worry.

8 Steps When You Worry:
P-Pray. Always pray first.
E-Easy now. "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
A-Act on it. When there is a concern, deal with it. Don't dwell on it.
C-Compile a worry list. Over a few days write down what you worry about.
E-Evaluate your worry categories. Pray specifically for the themes you tend to worry about.
F-Focus on today. God will meet your daily needs. From there, have patients.
U-Unleash a worry army. Confide in some loved ones. Have them pray with you and for you.
L-Let God be enough. "Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." (Matt. 6:32-33)
P-E-A-C-E-F-U-L

Again I highly recommend this book.

Fearless

Let me start by letting you know my apt. went well last week. It was my 10 week apt. The Dr. rolled her mini ultrasound machine into the room as I said a little prayer. She put the jelly on my belly, not knowing for sure if she would be able to see the baby with out doing an internal ultrasound yet. As she squinted at the screen I became a little nervous as I watched her. "There's your baby!" she finally said. I still didn't let my breathe out. "I can tell there's a good heartbeat." That's when my breathe was let out. "Thank you Jesus!" I said silently. Then the Dr. started pointing out the head and the arms, the feet and the butt. I told her she could always see things I couldn't. Jokingly she said, "Do you think I'm making these things up?" With that I laughed and at the exact same time my baby moved around in a jerking motion. As my baby become more clear to me on the screen, the Dr. said something else that I laughed at. At the exact same time the baby moved again! What a great time my baby and I had together for those 5 min. That night Scott was making me laugh, right after that I said to him, "Do you think the baby was laughing too?" What a great thought! If the baby is a girl, I'm now considering using Joy for a middle name.
Now, for what my heart has been going through this past week. After my apt. I was feeling relieved about everything, but to tell you the truth I was not on cloud nine like I should have been. Again fear started to kick in. I knew things were fine now, but last time things were fine at this point too.......except for finding out that I had a polyp. But, the baby was doing great. So, I think I wasn't allowing myself to get too excited out of fear. Later that afternoon, after making a few errands I checked my mailbox. Inside was a photocopy of the first paragraph of the book written by Max Lucado, Fearless. At first I was really confused, who knew to put this there? Has someone been watching me? Then, I remembered my sister, Jenny. She is notorious for dropping off words of wisdom in my mailbox........,Thanks Jenny:) So, I read it right away. It starts out with Matthew 8:26, "Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?" Then, this is one paragraph from the first chapter:
"Fear never wrote a symphony or a poem, negotiated a peace treaty, or cured a disease. Fear never pulled a family out of poverty or a country out of bigotry. Fear never saved a marriage or a business. Courage did that. Faith did that. People who refused to consult or cower to their timidities did that. But fear itself? Fear herds us into a prison and slams the doors.
Wouldn't it be great to walk out?"
This chapter really hit home. Yet, I still stuggle with this. Here is why, if for example you were repelling down a mountain for the first time and everyone said things will be fine just put your feet out in front of you and lean back. So, you did that without any fear. But then, the unexpected happened. When your feet landed on a part of the mountain, a rock gave way. Your body slammed up against the mountain. You knock your head and your body becomes scratched up. The following week you are suppose repel again. You came out of everything fine, with some scraps and bruises and an experience you don't want to relive. How do you get back to the top of the mountain and be completely fearless?
How do I not remember my past experience? I have faith in the eternal, I know I have a loving God that will never leave me. I know He is on my side. I can't wait to get to heaven to rejoice in His pesence! Yet, I still have this fear of what could happen in the next few weeks and even months.
So, this morning as I was sitting down to start my devotions and I asked myself, "Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?"
"I'm afraid of going through the physical pain."
In my head I heard, "I will carry you through."
"I'm afraid of being heart broken"
And I heard "I will heal you."
"I'm afraid of never having children."
"I am enough for you."

He is enough for me!