journal entry after first dr. apt. after my miscarriage

I should tell you that my sister who is two years older than me was also pregnant the same time that I was pregnant. At twenty weeks she was put on bed rest and then at 23 weeks she was on bed rest in the hospital. We got to tell each other we were pregnant at the same time with my first pregnancy, then I miscarried and became pregnant again. During that time she had trouble with her pregnancy and then I lost my second one. I know this is difficult to follow and there are a lot of details that have been left out. I really wanted this blog to stay focused on the miscarriages. I will be writing about my sister and her situation some, but if I told it all I could write a book.

3-4-09
After my appointment I went to visit my sister in the hospital. I didn't feel very positive about things after my appointment. Becca and I started talking and I realized how hurt and angry I still am. I know so much, yet I feel so little. If I knew more, I could move on with joy. I thought God's plan was this pregnancy. I was so sure, but now I am so unsure. I am sick of crying, am sick of hurting, sick of feeling unsure of dreams of my future. I feel like a bad pessimistic person for feeling this way. Where is my hope and faith? Where is my trust in God and my joy in knowing Him? I don't want to feel this way. At this point I feel like it is not a choice. I will continue to read my Bible, listen to Christian radio, and seek for God, because I know that He is what and all I need. He is what will get me through this most difficult time of my life.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.