Right after my second misscarriage

I wrote this journal Feb. 2, 2009, three days after I miscarried my second child.

I can understand one miscarriage, but I can't understand two. I learned so much with the first one, my faith was tested and grew so much. Scott and I became closer in our marriage. Although we had some tough days, ultimately they brought us closer. I learned to really look to the eternal instead of everything here on earth.
We got pregnant again right away! Wow, God really showed us how much He cared for our situation. At that moment, I was fearless. God had this one. Through week 12 He showed us again and again not to worry. I felt like God was saying to us, "I'm blessing you because you have been faithful." Sign after sign; Bible verses, heart beats, ultrasounds, all confirmed our baby's health.
The pains I felt from Friday through Sunday were like nothing I have ever experienced before. "Excruciating pains," is how I kept describing it. I was bleeding so bad I really thought my life may also be in danger. I kept saying to myself, "Jesus help me."After being in and out of the E.R. we heard the baby's heart beat and there were no signs of dilation.
On Sunday I was told I lost my baby. "Not again!" While walking in and out of the emergency room in my head was the song,"I will trust you in life's harshness, I will trust you in the darkness, I will trust you Lord to guard over my heart. In quietness and trust you will be my strength, Father I trust you with my heart." Yet, at the same time I was so angry. "Why, why why again? You were suppose to have this one! You were holding my baby for me, remember?" I felt so lost, so helpless. So very alone, especially with my thoughts. With my first miscarriage God was there right away. He told me He had a plan. This time nothing. Only confusion, disappointment and hurt.
Two days later I finally opened my Bible. It's hard to read when you have so many thoughts in your mind. I read the book of Daniel. I was encouraged by Daniel's fearlessness. In the devotion it says, "No matter what painful experiences we undergo, we must continue to pursue servanthood in a manner reflecting the boldness of Christ. To bear witness against injustice, inhumanity and other aspects of our brokenness in a darkened world, we need to develop this Christlike quality of boldness in our thoughts and actions." Maybe I am understanding a little bit.
I'm struggling, I'm tired, I'm confused, I'm frustrated, I'm hurt. Yet, I know I am loved by a heavenly Father who will never leave me.
Lord, I want to be a mother so badly it hurts. Will you bless me with a child to hold of my own?

Lamentations 3:22-26
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."